


To everybody's disapproval

by Themfookingavocados



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christianity, Forbidden Love, Gay, High School, Homophobia, Love, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Sinners, Song: Take Me To Church (Hozier), Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themfookingavocados/pseuds/Themfookingavocados
Summary: Harry styles is new to everything that comes with Doncaster, including Louis Tomlinson. Both of their families are Christians and they meet at church when Harry moves to town. There are a lot of things that Louis doesn't understand and there are a lot of things that Harry is too young to understand, yet he does.Is Harry really a sinner? Does Louis really like his life that much? And is being gay really that wrong?(Based a bit of the song take me to church by Hozier)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 35





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so something that I think is important to bring up is that no religion is wrong in any sort of way and there are different ways to interpret every religion. In other words, I'm not trying to offend anyone using Christianity as something homophobic, because I know it doesn't have to be. 
> 
> Sorry if I explained that badly, but I think you know what I mean. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm very thankful for kudos and comments and please keep in mind I'm not from an English-speaking country, so I'm sorry fro any mistakes. I really hope you like the story!
> 
> Lastly, I write this because I think that homophobia is something really important to talk about and not just glance over. ALSO, the characters does not represent the real people in any way, so absolutely no disrespect towards them!

Louis Tomlinson had always liked Doncaster quite a bit, although he knew many of his friends who were also from there had a different opinion about it. But Louis liked same old, he didn't need any change, not now and not ever. He had grown up in this house, with this family, with this bedroom, even with this pillow that his head was currently resting on. And he enjoyed it, he was...happy. 

It was a September morning, a Sunday morning to be more specific. He had woken up at seven, so that he would have time to shower and have breakfast before eight, when he was supposed to go with his family to church. He didn't really have a problem with the whole church thing, but going there had always been embarrassing for him. He wasn't embarrassed of the religion itself, it was more the fact that he was supposed to be out partying or at least having hangovers on Sundays. But drinking alcohol was a sin, of course. 

He got up and into the bathroom he shared with his four younger sisters, his mom and his stepdad. They had quite a small house for being such a big family. Louis stripped his shirt of and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like his usual, pretty short and quite skinny, self. It wasn't anything wrong with how he looked, it was just always the same. 

He got closer to the mirror, looking at his abnormally long eyelashes. He always had girls compliment them and saying they wished they had them. Louis would give them away if he could, not because he didn't like them but because he could use some change... Or actually- No, he liked it as it was. Nothing needed to change. So instead he made kissy lips to his reflection and laughed at himself. It wasn't until he hit the shower that he wondered what the hell that had been about... He decided he'd never do that again or his mates would be attacking him forever. 

He made his way downstairs after the shower almost tripping over the family dog. He opened the fridge and sighed when he realised there was just an egg waiting for him in there. He absolutely despised eggs, but his mother forced him to eat them because apparently they were super healthy. Well, Louis didn't know why, as he'd failed both biology and chemistry last semester. 

"Oh Louis, you'll have to bring the breakfast with you in the car today, you're late again" his mother said softly. Louis loved his mom, they were best friends and she was barely ever mad at him. Probably because he didn't do anything to make her mad, he was the typical good boy or as his classmates liked to call him "churchboy". He wasn't bullied or anything, every 17 year old virgin and non-drinker should probably count on being called those names is a town like this. But Louis quite liked being the odd one out, well not too much maybe but a bit. 

"Oh, sorry mom, thought I had time" Louis said and left the egg in the fridge. His mom walked by him and kissed his wet hair. 

"Well if you stopped looking yourself in the mirror for so long..." She mumbled teasingly and Louis scoffed.

"Hey! I don't even do that!" he yelled and his mother laughed.

When they pulled up at the church Louis saw a new car in the parking lot. He knew every family that attended this church and all he could say was that it wasn't many. The only times the church was every filled was around Christmas. Louis' family always talked about "Bastards only showing love to god when they wanted something in return" Louis didn't bother to figure out what that meant. 

In the church were the four family's that always attended and one that he didn't recognize. He looked at them. A mother with dark brown hair and a smile on her face, a father who was seemingly half asleep, a daughter who seemed to be a few years older than Louis and a son... he assumed. He didn't see this boy's face, because it was buried in his quite muscular arms. The boy had curly brown hair and he was wearing a red T-shirt. That was all. He couldn't see anything else.

Louis' family took the seats right behind this new family. Daisy was placed in Louis' lap and she kept tugging on his shirt. He was annoyed, but he knew better than to act up in church. So he kept quiet. After the service was done they all usually walked up the aisle to talk to the priest and maybe light some candles. Louis saw this as his opportunity to get to know this new family. 

"Hi, I've never seen you guys here before, are you new to Doncaster? Louis asked as politely as he could, he knew his mother was listening. 

"Hi, yes actually we moved here last Friday, lovely city really. Oh right, I'm Anne. This is my husband Robin, my daughter Gemma and my son Ha- Harry? Harry where did you go?" The mother said. Louis looked around for Harry and then he spotted him in the seating furthest away from them, nose buried in a book. He looked up and that was the first time Louis ever looked into the green eyes that belonged to Harry Edward Styles.

At first they just looked at each other Harry lifted his eyebrows in the "Why the hell are you looking at me"-kind of way. So Louis looked away. 

"Uhm... yes, that's Harry... he's... shy" Anne mumbled and for some reason Louis didn't believe that the slightest. What he believed was that Harry was one of those kids that bring a knife to school and act like he ruled the world. Louis was a tiny bit afraid of him to be completely honest. 

"I...I'm Louis, these are my sisters; Lottie, Fizzy, Phoebe and Daisy, that is my mom Johannah and that is my stepdad Mark."

After all the "Nice to meet you, yeah really nice, have a good week, you too, see you around"-talk, Louis went out the big door on the front to have some air. His family stayed in there to talk to others, Louis didn't really like people that much and he preferred to be alone to be honest. He spotted Harry leaning back on the wall of the building. 

"Louis, was it?" Harry asked and Louis nodded. "Well, I don't bite" Harry said, Louis wasn't sure whether that was true or not but he leaned on the wall next to Harry. 

"So, do you not like church?" Louis asked. Harry shrugged-Wow Harry was much taller than Louis, he suddenly realised. 

"I don't know really" Harry said.

"Do you not like god?" Louis asked looking up at Harry. 

"God doesn't like me anyway, so why should I bother, y'know?" Harry said looking at Louis. "Besides, I don't even know if I believe in it, but I'd never let my mom down like that." At that Louis decided that he had maybe been wrong about Harry, maybe Harry was just like him in a way. 

"Hhmm" Was the only thing Louis said. 

"Louis?"

"Yeah?"

"I have four nipples" Harry said smiling. Louis was confused but also quite impressed.

"Nah you're lying" Louis said smiling and just like that, Harry lifted his shirt up. Turns out Harry wasn't lying, because right there in front of Louis was four nipples on one boy. Louis laughed so much that he almost fell and Harry looked quite amused.

"What about you then?" Harry asked smiling.

"Well I only have got two meself" Louis said and Harry burst out laughing.

"No, what's something interesting about you?" Harry laughed.

"Oh, right" Louis laughed. "I was about to go;" And he lifted his shirt up too and Harry started laughing with him again. 

Right as they stood there together laughing while Louis still held his shirt up, their families came out of the church. Louis turned around smiling, but stopped when he saw their faces. Especially Anne and Robin's faces, they looked furious. Then he looked at Gemma, she almost looked scared as she made her was past Louis and towards Harry. She placed herself in front of Harry almost as if she was protecting him, then she look from Louis to her mother to her stepfather. 

Louis had no idea what was happening when he a few seconds later saw Harry being pulled roughly towards the car by his parents. Louis looked at his mother confused and she shook her head and then nodded towards their car. He got the hint and got into the car. 

When they were all in there Louis started freaking out. 

"What the hell was that?! Did you not see that mom? They dragged him across the ground!

"Louis calm down!" Mark tried.

"Was that my fault?! He didn't even do anything, did he? Are his parents crazy?!"

"Louis stop it! He's got a condition for god's sake!" Mark yelled and that left Louis quiet. 

"Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't know... How sick is he?"

-No more questions please dear, maybe he doesn't want you to know that just yet, okay?" His mother asked.

-Okay.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi:)  
> Just an FYI; I don't plan on how long any of the chapters are or how many chapters there will be, but I'm thinking at least 10-15. So what I'm tryna say is that they'll probably vary from chapter to chapter...
> 
> anyway, thanks for kudos<3
> 
> I have a lot of things planned for this story so bear with me:)

When Louis got home, he went immediately to his room. He made his way to the bed and laid down on his back. He stared at the ceiling wondering what had actually happened. He thought a lot about it, he wondered what kind of condition Harry had. Was it something with social problems? It didn't seem like he was any weirder than Louis in any way. But obviously not all of those things weren't visible for the public eye. 

He decided to google, but exactly what words was he supposed to type? He didn't know anything, but he felt guilty.

He wondered what Harry was doing right now. Maybe everything was good now, maybe Harry didn't like people either, just like Louis. But at the same time, Louis had a strong feeling that everything wasn't fine... That maybe in this moment Harry was on his own bed in his own room -wherever that was- crying. Louis felt something build up in his stomach from the thought of that. Even though he didn't know Harry he felt the need to help him in some way, he wanted to be there for him through his sickness. After a while Louis realised that that sounded as if he wanted to marry Harry, ridiculous haha. It was like that one time he had looked at a boy at the beach for a little too long and his best friend Niall had asked him if he was interested. It was a joke obviously, ridiculous of course. 

Later that day when Louis thought his mom had gone off to work (She worked as a nurse, meaning she often took night shifts), he was on his way to the kitchen to take a sandwich. That was one thing that was best to do when his mother wasn't home, she didn't like when he ate here and there rather than full meals. 

But it turned out she hadn't gone just yet and when Louis was half way down the stairs he heard Mark and her mumble something. He sat down and listened closely. He caught a few words.

"...Yes, but... Harry... Just a little boy"  
"Can't happen... Louis also... I'm not saying that"  
"Yes... nothing wrong..."  
"Sins are... that's that"  
"Oh for god's sake!"

Louis had no clue what they were talking about, but he guessed that was for the best. His mother had taught him that if the wasn't meant for him he probably didn't need to know, which in Louis' mind made sense. But on the other hand... Why did they talk about Harry? Or did he hear that wrong? And why did Mark sound mad?

He wasn't hungry anymore, so he went up to his room instead. He had gotten some texts from the group chat called 'THE BOYOS' which was rather cringe-worthy on its own, but well- 

NiallHoesRun: Did ya see there's a new boy coming to school tomorrow?

LiamPaid: a lad right?

Zbrain: Well if it would've been a girl Niall would've already stalked her up I assume.

NiallHoesRun: True. hah. 

ChurchBoyLouis: Might know who that is actually, his name Harry by any chance?

NiallHoesRun: Yup that's him

Zbrain: Do you know him Louis?

ChurchBoyLouis: Nah, met him at church today...

LiamPaid: How old is he?

NiallHoesRun: 18, he might deal to us...

LiamPaid: hahah, you just stalked him didn't you

NiallHoesRun: sure did, Louis if you flirt with him enough he might actually be to any use. I mean he is legal, he could buy us whatever.

ChurchBoyLouis: haha very funny. I don't do drugs and alcohol or whatever by the way.

LiamPaid: Omg Louis you don't "DO" alcohol ahahaha

Zbrain: and that's why he's our little church boy :)

ChurchBoyLouis: hey! Piss off!

Niall had chosen all of their names in the group chat, he was kind of the leader a bit... if there was one. Niall's name was NiallHoesRun because his last name was Horan and he apparently thought it was even remotely close... He was also the ladies man so Louis guessed that was a little bit why. Although if Louis was being honest, calling girls hoes wasn't very nice. But he didn't say that, because he knew they'd be attacking him. He loved his friends but they could be too... boyish sometimes.

Liam's name came from the fact that he was quite rich, so the words "Liam paid" came up pretty often. It also sounded a lot like his last name 'Payne'. 

Zayn's name kind of said itself, he was basically very smart and that was that. 

Louis' name, well that kind of said itself completely...

The next day Louis woke up unusually early, but that was probably for the better as he was always late anyway. 

He got into the bathroom and stripped his clothes and looked in the mirror. That was kind of his daily routine. But today it was different, because he didn't look at his face, he looked at his nipples. He smiled when he remembered Harry had four of them. He found himself wondering what it would feel like to touch them, he knew that was wrong. He was not supposed to think about other peoples' nipples, but he couldn't help himself. No one would know anyway, well except for god... if he even ex- no he was not supposed to think that either, so he went back to thinking about Harry's nipples.

After a while he found his hand travelling over his chest while he closed his eyes and when one of them brushed over his left nipple, a shiver was sent down his spine. Oh. He stopped immediately, knowing that this probably counted as some sort of masturbation, and that he knew was a sin. So he jumped into the shower, trying not to think about the fact that the thought of another man had brought him pleasure. 

Louis half walked half ran to school as he was quite late as usual. When he finally arrived he accidentally ran into someone getting out of a car. Harry. He was just about to say hi when Harry literally ran the other direction, then the car drove away and Louis caught up to Harry.

"Sorry Louis, my mother doesn't like me hanging out with you, she thinks I'll have an impact on you" Harry smirked and Louis was confused. 

"With your sickness?" Louis asked and now it was Harry's turn to look confused. But then suddenly he seemed to catch up.

"Oh...Yeah let's say that for now" Harry said smiling at Louis who smiled back. 

"Well, tell your mother that no one has an impact on me" Louis said.

"Are you sure?"

"Harry, I've been called 'Church boy Louis' ever since I started this school, but I'm not planning on chancing anytime soon" Louis said and Harry chuckled. 

"I'll be telling her that then" Harry said. 

"Who will be telling who what?" Niall had arrived to school last minute. "Hi I'm Niall Horan, who are you?"

"Harry Styles" Styles. Why was that so right. Harry Styles, why did the name give Louis butterflies? No, he was probably just nervous for the test today. He probably had nothing to worry about though, because he had studied until midnight last night and let's just say that was way past his normal bedtime. Oh damn he was such a church boy. He mentally slapped himself. 

"You're a year older right?" Niall asked.

"Well that depends on how old you are really" Harry said and Louis laughed, shit, he shouldn't have. Everyone was looking at him. What? It was funny...

"Tommo and I are both juniors" Niall said to Harry.

"Oh yeah, then I'm a year older" Harry said and for some reason that kind of disappointed Louis. 

They didn't have time for more chatting than that as class started in five minutes, quite a lot of time if you asked Louis. But Harry wanted to be in time for his first class. Understandable. 

As always, school was fine, same old. It wasn't until lunch time that Louis saw Harry again. He was sat with loads of girls and he was laughing and chatting loudly with all of them. That was good, he'd already made friends. Weird that all of them were girl though. Louis suddenly found himself thinking about whether Harry was a virgin or not, based on his looks, he probably wasn't. But then again, his family was very religious and he said he didn't like to disappoint his mother, so maybe he was... Oh god, why was Louis thinking about this? He wasn't even supposed to think the word 'sex' until marriage. 

"-also, but what do you think Tommo?" Someone said.

"What?" Louis said turning to his friends, it wasn't until then he realised he had been staring at Harry for way too long. 

"I was asking if you think Harry can set us up with some of those girls" Niall said. "You said you wanted a more mature girlfriend than you last, didn't ya?" 

"Sure... But I don't know if Ha-"

"Great, go ahead and ask him now then" Liam said smiling and Louis didn't want to feel like an idiot so he slowly walked up to Harry. When he arrived at the table, Harry was in the middle of trying on some kind of tiara that one of the girl had brought to school for a play. He looked very happy... and distracted, maybe he should just go back... But then-

"Oooh isn't that church boy making as appearance?" One of the girl said pointing at Louis. Louis waved a little and the girl actually made space for him. That was one of the weird things with Louis, he was kind of everyone's little brother. Like, it was okay teasing him, but in the end he always got to be a part of whatever. But not as one of the cool ones, more like "aww you're so cute, you can sit with me". It didn't really bother Louis super much to be fair. 

Well, what was he going to say now. 

"So what brings you here Louis? Is it new boy?" One of the girls, Amanda, asked. What made everyone think he was so interested in Harry? Not that he wasn't- But...

Louis laughed awkwardly and looked at Harry. He smiled. Oh god he smiled at him. Louis looked down smiling too.

"Nah, not only... Uhm, so Niall's kinda, interested in you." Louis said looking at no one in particular.

"Who?" Harry asked looking at Louis. "Who is he interested in?" He repeated as Louis seemed to not get any words out. 

"Uhm... I don't know really, any of the girls I suppose. He said it's time for us to start dating older girls, he wants us to all get girlfriends." Louis said looking at Harry.

"Well Louis, do YOU want a girlfriend?" A girl named Samantha asked. 

"I guess- Or I mean yeah sure" Louis said still looking at Harry.

"Well I tell you what Louis, if you want a girlfriend, then you should stop looking at Harry like you want it up the ass" She said and all the girls, plus Harry, laughed. Louis didn't understand, but he blushed anyway. He didn't like people mentioning his bum. 

"Hey Sam, don't joke with him about that. He doesn't understand, he's just a lil' church boy. Oh, and Louis?" Another girl, Emma, said. 

"Yeah?"

"You go tell Niall over there, that if he wants someone mature, he should stop acting like a baby and send his friends over for him, yeah?" She said smiling teasingly while nodding on Niall's direction. Louis chuckled and nodded. Then he raised up and went back to the boy's table.

After he had explained to Niall exactly what had happened, well except for the ass thing, Niall sighed and but his face in his hands. He was really embarrassed. Zayn smirked, Louis knew Zayn was a quiet enjoyer. Niall was never quiet and this whole girlfriend thing stopped bothering him ten minutes later when he started talking about football. Both Louis and Niall played football, Niall did it for the girls, Louis did it for his stepdad. Although, he kind of liked football after he realised he was pretty good. It also got him out of church on Wednesdays, but that was absolutely not the reason he liked it... Yeah, no. Avoiding church was a sin... according to his mother.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of self harm! Don't read if you don't feel comfortable.

Nothing interesting had happened in Louis' life since Monday, school went on and life went on. Now it was Wednesday, Louis' last class was cancelled and because he had football practise he had to wait on a bench for an hour. Niall and him had their last classes separately so he didn't even have Niall's annoying ass there. 

He had been on his phone for half an hour when he suddenly felt someone breathe in his neck. He jumped and screamed a bit and then he turned around to see a laughing Harry. 

"Oh my god" Louis said with a hand on his heart.

"I'm sorry I didn't know you were jumpy" Harry laughed.

"Anyone would react like that if someone suddenly breathed down their neck!" 

"I'm sorry babe" Harry said and Louis melted at the 'babe'. Who the hell was Harry? Who the hell called someone they barely knew 'babe'? Oh lord. "Hey do you need a ride to church? We're supposed to be there in twenty minutes, I don't think you've got time to walk there?" Harry added. What Louis meant to say was 'I'm not going today, I have football practise' but he couldn't bring himself to turn this opportunity down. Okay but what opportunity? come on Louis, are you actually going to skip practise to spend ten minutes alone with this curly headed boy that could actually be an axe murderer?

"Yes!" Louis almost screamed out. Okay wow. "Or I mean... sure, yeah thank you" Louis said and Harry smiled. They started waking to the parking lots while chatting and laughing. 

"What's in the bag?" Harry asked pointing to the big bag with Louis' football gear. Oh no.

"Uhm... that is books, erhm, homework"

"Well shit, that is a lot of fucking homework." Harry said and oh my god Harry just swore right in front of Louis, and god for that matter. 

"You swear?" Louis asked.

"Yeah? Well not in church I guess and not in front of mom, but yeah? Who doesn't?"

"I don't" Louis said.

"Oh, why though? No one hears you?"

"Mom says it's a sin, she says that people that swear goes to hell. I don't know about that though, I mean they say god accepts everyone in the end, right?"

"Right, that's what I'm talking about. I mean if he accepts all types of sinners in the end, why don't be one?"

"Hhmm, I guess that depends on what kind of sinner you are really." Louis said, he wasn't sure if Harry heard him or not because he got into the drivers seat that exact moment. 

After they both got into the car Louis looked around a bit. Harry coughed quietly.

"Uhm... Yeah I share the car with my sister" Harry said explaining all the pink stickers and decorations, Louis actually hadn't thought a lot about it, he was just trying to look for a place to charge his phone.

"Okay, I like it. Anyway, do you have like a charger or something?" Louis asked. 

"Yep, but weirdly enough it's in the backseat, here I'll fix it" Harry said and took Louis phone. He went out of the car and stuck his head in the backseat to plug Louis' phone in. Then he got into the drivers seat again and started driving.

Louis really wanted to ask Harry about his sickness, he knew he shouldn't but he really really wanted to.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked and then Louis felt it was a sign from above to actually ask Harry.

"You actually. Or more like about your sickness really. I'm sorry, I'm too curious for my own good. I googled sicknesses when I got home that day your parents were upset, the first day I met you."

"Oh, you're quite honest aren't you?" Harry asked.

"Of course, lying is a sin." Louis said and Harry sighed.

"Can you please stop making everything sound so fucking religious?" Harry muttered. 

"Sorry" 

"No it's fine. And about my 'sickness', where'd you even get that from? That I'm sick?" Harry asked.

"My stepdad told me, I'm pretty sure your mom or dad told him." Louis said looking at Harry. He saw him biting his lip and then sucking his cheeks in and closing his eyes for a second. He looked really hurt. He could see Harry swallow and open his eyes again, they were shiny.

"Uhm... yeah, because they think it is a sickness, when in reality it's not at all."

"What is it then?" Louis asked.

"Well it's more of a... life choice? I guess. I'm a bit rebellious, they don't like it." Harry said.

"That's not fair, it should be your choice if it's something defined as a 'life choice' shouldn't it? And besides, isn't every teenager rebellious except for me?" Louis said and Harry chuckled. He seemed happy again. 

"Yes, but I don't know if you'd still say that if you knew what we were talking about, that's also why I'm not going to tell you right now. I'm afraid It'll destroy our bond." Harry smirked. 

"Bond?" Louis asked smiling at the word.

"Yeah we have a bond don't we?" Harry said and then got out of the car because they had made it to church. Louis chuckled to himself, but then Harry said something so quiet that Louis was probably not supposed to hear it. "That'll probably make me even more sick." Oh no, now Louis felt bad. Of course there had been a reason for Harry's parents not wanting them to associate with each other and Harry had said it was because of his sickness. But... Harry wasn't sick... Well Louis would probably also say he wasn't sick if he was. That wasn't something people bragged about really. But something made Louis believe that Harry wasn't actually sick. 

Louis got out of the car, completely forgetting about his phone, and he was met by the sight of Harry's parents looking very disappointed and his own parents looking shocked. He explained to his parents that he had hurt his ankle and couldn't go to football practise and decided to come to church instead. Oh my god, now he was lying again. 

At the meanwhile he heard Harry and his mother mumbling something like;

"Don't you dare try to..."  
"mom, he's not even... doesn't like that stuff... girlfriend"  
"...You don't know... how?"  
"At lunch today..."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes"  
"Good, we'll have to talk abut your situation with the priest today... *something more*"

Harry nodded and his mother smiled and hugged him. Harry looked straight into Louis' eyes over his mother's shoulder. Then he kissed his mothers cheek and mumbled what seemed to be "I'm sorry mom" and then he walked over to Louis, smiling. Louis smiled back. It seemed as if he had clear everything with his mom because she happily waved to Louis. He waved back. 

-So what are your sisters names again? Harry asked and that started a conversation that would go on until service started. It turned out they had very few things in common, which Harry was a good thing. Louis had to agree because he simply couldn't disagree to those green eyes. 

After the service was done, Harry had to stay in church because apparently he had a meeting with the priest. Louis was quickly pushed out of there as he "was not to hear about other's private business", which Louis though was quite a fair point. Harry would tell him when he was ready. 

Louis remembered that he had accidentally left his phone in Harry's car and he knew not to snoop. So he asked Gemma if it was okay if he looked for his phone in their car. Gemma looked confused.

"Well my car is over there, but I'm sure you could look for you phone in Harry's car" She said and he nodded slowly. Why had Harry said he shared the car with Gemma? Because of the pink? Or because of the boy band CD's? He hoped Harry knew Louis wouldn't judge him for that stuff. His own favourite color was pink actually, though he would never tell Niall, Zayn or Liam about it. 

However, Louis opened the car door that led to the right backseat, where he knew Harry had put his phone. He saw it as soon as he opened the door, but his phone wasn't the only thing he saw in there. There was three more things;

A red knitted sweater, It was neatly folded but looked old. Almost as if it had been untouched for years,

A toilet paper roll,

And lastly, a pack of cigarettes. 

Louis gasped. What? Did Harry smoke? No, he couldn't believe it. Was this his "Sickness"? Was this what he meant when he said he was rebellious? 

Before Louis could think it through, he had reached down to the floor of the car, where it laid, and picked it up. 

He opened it and was met by a weird combination of things; A condom (So Harry wasn't a virgin? Or- anyway he shouldn't be thinking of that), a couple of razor blades, two actual cigarettes (that looked a little too crooked to be normal cigarettes) and a note. 

Only one question popped into Louis' head; Did this make Harry a sinner? 

Sex - a sin

self harm - a sin

smoking - a sin

But on the other hand, owning a condom didn't mean sexually active, razor didn't mean self harm and owning cigarettes didn't mean smoking them. Maybe he'd get the answer if he looked at the note? But he had nothing to do with the note-

He opened the note. 

"I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen you knife"

Why would he look at the damned note?!

That is a s-

"Snooping is a sin Louis Tomlinson, did you know that?"

Oh shit.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one has mentions of sexual actions so just a warning...
> 
> Thanks for reading:)

SHIT SHIT SHIT!

Louis turned around slowly and his eyes met Harry's chest, yeah that was how much taller Harry was. Louis couldn't breath when he finally looked up into Harry's eyes. Harry didn't say anything, but he didn't seem to be mad either. His face was just kept straight. Louis swallowed. 

"Uhm, I-I'm sorry." Louis stuttered. Harry bit his lip and looked down at Louis. That was when Louis realised just how close Harry was. Their chests were literally pressed against each other and he could feel Harry breathing on his face. 

"Oh don't apologize to me Louis, apologize to god. He's the only one who really cares about sins. I didn't expect anything different from you. You're a sinner Louis Tomlinson." Harry said with no emotion on his face. Louis shook his head and tried to get past Harry, but he was trapped when Harry wrapped his arm around Louis' waist. Harry leaned forward to whisper in Louis ear. 

"Don't try to escape reality, sinners will be sinners church boy." Harry whispered and at the same time he managed to breathe on Louis' neck and holy- Louis felt like all his blood suddenly rushed to his middle and he was literally about to fall over from the pleasure it brought him. But he didn't fall over, because Harry's arm was wrapped around him. Oh my god, Harry's hand was gripped onto his shirt and shit-

"Fu-Let me go please, Harry." Louis breathed out and Harry immediately let go of him. Louis stumbled away as fast as he could, because he was afraid that if he ever got close to Harry again he would literally explode. Harry smirked.

"I put my number in your phone." Harry said. What? When? Then Louis realised that Harry must have done that when he put Louis phone in the backseat. Wow, Harry was clever... Very clever actually...

When Louis got home he immediately ran up the stairs before the rest of his family even made it out the car. He got into his room and locked the door. He knew his mother hated it when he locked the door, but this was an emergency. He sat down on his bed carefully and didn't dare to look down. He breathed heavily and closed his eyes. Then he finally looked down. He sighed as he saw what he was afraid of.

His erection physically hurt, it hurt. Was it even supposed to do that? It had never ever been this bad before, he could literally see the outline through his pants. He hoped Harry hadn't seen it, well he hoped no one had seen it, but especially Harry. Because he was the one who caused it. Louis didn't understand, How? Why? Maybe it wasn't even Harry, he had probably accidentally thought about that girl he saw on the beach naked again. It wasn't on purpose the first time, but it had just happened.

He started to sweat because it hurt so bad and his jeans were way too tight. What if he just pulled the zipper down to ease the pressure? There wasn't anything wrong with that. So he did, he actually took his whole trousers off. Now what? No way he was touching that if he didn't want to go to hell. But it hurt so freaking much. 

That night, Louis didn't eat dinner. He told his parents that he wasn't hungry, when is reality he was starving. But he still had a hard on that would go down and it was way too embarrassing to go down and eat like that. So he stayed in his room the whole evening. He also had a really hard time falling asleep that night, because all he kept thinking about was his own dick. What had gotten into him? Was he crazy? This had never happened before, he was supposed to wait until marriage until anyone touched his private parts. Anyone being his wife. 

Then he thought a lot about marriage instead. His mother had always said that marriage was the goal in life for every Christian. Louis had never been super fond of the idea of 'settling down'. He wanted to be young forever. He wanted to hang out with the boys for the rest of his life. Maybe he didn't want to get married? Yeah, so what if he didn't? No- Obviously he had to get married. He was going to make god proud and get himself a wife someday. He had to. 

After thinking about wives and marriage for a while, he seemed to be able to sleep again. It had calmed him down from his high. 

Little did Louis know that he would wake up three hours later with an even bigger problem.

His eyes opened quickly. Something was very very wrong... and sticky. He lifted the duvet off his body and looked down. Holy- 

Louis panicked, what was he going to do now? How was god going to react? Where did he even put the dirty pants? 

He started crying, quietly though. He had no idea what to do. He had to call Liam, or no not Liam he would just tell Niall and Niall would tell the whole school. He had to call Zayn.

Louis picked his phone up and saw the time. 01.23. Zayn was definitely asleep. Louis cried. Why was he such an idiot, why couldn't he just hold it in like everyone else. He was such a disappointment. 

He called Harry. 

"Hullo?" Harry said. He definitely wasn't asleep. Louis sobbed. He couldn't get any words out. 

"Hey what's wrong? Louis?" Harry asked, and his voice was so soft. Almost as if he was talking to a puppy.

"I-Harry I am a sinner, h-he hates me" Louis sobbed. 

"What? Oh my god Louis he doesn't hate you, I promise. Is this about me saying snooping is a sin? I'm sorry Louis I-"

"It's not only that. I'm awful." Louis cried and Harry sighed. 

"Hey let's go out, huh? We'll talk. I can pick you up in five?" Harry said. Louis wasn't allowed to go out past his bedtime. 

"Yes." He answered anyway. 

"I'll come pick you up in a couple of minutes? Alright?" Harry asked.

"Alright"

Louis didn't change his underwear, he couldn't bring himself to. He didn't ever want to even get close to that area again. It certainly was not comfortable though. 

Harry was outside in a minute and Louis got into the car without saying anything for the first five minutes. Then he had to say something. 

"I... In my... sleep you know, in my pants, Louis said quietly. Then he felt tears roll down his face again. 

"You jizzed your pants?" Harry asked in a completely normal tone. Louis broke down. 

"And I lied to my parents and I snooped through your car and I don't want to go to church and now I know he hates me Harry." Louis cried. 

"Hey, it's okay. That's normal, everyone does all of those. You're the last person to go to hell." Louis leaned his head back. 

"I shouldn't even be here, I should be in my bed with a clean pair of fucking underwear!" He gasped as soon as he heard what had come out of his mouth. He covered it. Harry chuckled. He actually chuckled. WHAT.

"Relax Louis, it's okay. No one even cares if you swear." Harry laughed and Louis looked at him. Then he couldn't bring himself from smiling. 

"You know what Louis? As long as you make up for all your sins it is okay. That's what I always keep in mind when I touch myself." Harry smiled and Louis knew that Harry was crazy at that point. But all he could do was just laugh.

"Where are we going?" Louis asked.

"To my special place." Harry said.

"You have literally been living here for a week."

"I go for late night runs when I can't sleep." 

When they were there Louis just looked around. It was a cliff, in the middle of no where. It was not super interesting at all. That was until they both stood at the edge. Louis could feel the adrenaline kick in as he saw how far he would fall if he fell off this cliff and just the fact that he knew he would die if he jumped made his whole body shiver. They sat down on the edge, their legs swayed free. 

"Sometimes I want to die." Harry said out of nowhere. "I like to come to places like this just to know that I have opportunities." 

"Sometimes I wish I was never born." Louis said. 

"That's completely different." Harry said and Louis nodded. 

"Do you ever wish that you were never born?" 

"No." Harry said.

"They why do you wish to die?"

"I love myself, well I'm not super fond of my looks or whatever, but I love being myself if you know what I mean." Harry said. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love living and thereof I'm grateful I was born, but most of the time life doesn't love me back and that's when I want to die." Louis nodded. He got it for some reason. 

"You're quite wise." 

"No, I'm just sad." Harry said with a smile before he picked up a cigarette from his pocket, this one was definitely some sort of home made one. Louis didn't say anything at first but when Harry started actually smoking it Louis opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by Harry blowing smoke on him.

"It's fine god doesn't like me anyway."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Louis asked and suddenly Harry laid down with his head in Louis' lap. 

"Because it is true, now play with my hair will ya?" Harry smiled. Louis played with Harry's curls while Harry smoked the last of the cigarette. When he was done smoking he showed Louis his hand. It had black nail polish on every nail except for one. 

"You like or not?" Harry asked Louis. 

"I like, they're cool." Louis said. Harry smiled. 

"I like you." Harry said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeyyy:)
> 
> I didn't like this super much but it's all leading up to something so stay tuned.

'I like you'? 

The whole next week Louis couldn't stop thinking about those three words. He didn't even know why, it wasn't like it was anything special anyway. 

Louis and Harry had been hanging out quite a lot the last couple of days, but mainly in Harry's car as his parents still didn't quite like Louis for some reason, and they couldn't go to Louis' house either because he was sure his mom would tell Harry's mom. Louis still didn't get why though, it wasn't as if Harry had an influence on Louis or whatever. Louis wasn't going to smoke, he wasn't going to drink and he wasn't going to have sex. Just because Harry did those things didn't mean that Louis would. 

Right now they were in Harry's car listening to backstreet boys on full blast. Louis enjoyed it sure, but Harry was alive for real. 

"Hey, my family isn't home, do you want to go to my place for once?" Harry asked and turned down the music. Louis smiled. 

"Yeah" He said and Harry nodded happily. 

"Sunshine" Harry mumbled, or at least Louis thought so.

"What?"

"Nothing"

When Harry opened the door to his home Louis immediately saw the white family style everywhere. Boring. Just like his own house. He told Harry so and he agreed. Then they got up the stairs and to the left where Harry's room was. Harry opened the door for Louis.

Almost everything in Harry's room was interesting. The walls were light purple and he had a queen sized bed. There were a lot of posters on the walls, Louis only recognized Freddie Mercury. There were also plants and small light bulbs everywhere and if you really really looked into Harry's closet, his clothes were organized in the rainbow colors. Which was weird, because Harry rarely wore other than dark red or black shirts. 

"Wow" was all Louis could say. 

"Uhm, I didn't choose the- You know what, yes I did. I like it, you don't have to like it or whatever but-"

"Shut up for once Harry, I love it" Louis said and Harry smiled. 

Harry sat down at the chair by the desk and Louis walked over there to look at the photos hanging on the side of the mirror that was attached to the desk like some sort of make up table. There were at least fifteen different nail polishes and a fish bowl on the desk. On the photos were mostly Harry with his old friends, Louis assumed. But also one of Harry when he was about twelve with a man Louis didn't recognize. 

"S' that you dad?" Louis asked taking the photo of the mirror and stepping back so that Harry could see it. Harry grabbed his wrist with the photo and pulled it towards him so sharply that Louis fell into Harry's lap while Harry said "Can I see?". 

Harry didn't seem to care that Louis was down sitting in his lap and he just looked at the photo. 

"Yeah, that's him." Harry said and rested his hand on Louis' thigh. Oh holy shit. 

"Where's he now?" Louis asked and Harry shrugged.

"Beats me, he left us when I cam- When I turned fifteen." Harry said. "Do you have a dad?" 

"I guess, but he doesn't seem to know he has a son." Louis said looking at Harry. Harry wrapped his arm slightly around Louis' waist.

"Fuck dads." 

"You do?" Louis joked and Harry laughed. Harry was fun, he was the only man Louis had ever met that wasn't offended to those types of jokes. 

"Hey! I'm a virgin, thank you" Harry said and Louis didn't believe him.

"No, you're not"

"Of course I am"

"No, because you're hot. What girl wouldn't want you." What? Harry was hot, it wasn't anything wrong with compliments. 

"Well it's hard for a girl to like you if you never like them back." Harry said. Louis was still on his lap. 

"So you've never been in love? You've never had a girlfriend?"

"That was two completely different questions Louis Tomlinson."

"Why would you even have a condom in your car if you're a virgin?" Louis asked. 

"Didn't you understand that I put those things there to prove a point?"

"What point? Wait you mean you knew I would snoop and you wanted to let me know I'm a sinner too?" Louis asked and Harry just smiled and shrugged. 

"You'll never know." Harry said and pressed Louis towards his chest is a kind of embrace. Louis melted. He was in Harry's lap and he was literally being hugged too. "This okay?" Harry mumbled again Louis' neck. 

"Yes"

An hour later they were both laying on Harry's bed facing each other. 

"Tell me a secret and I'll tell you one" Harry said.

"My favourite color is pink." Louis said. Harry smiled.

"That wasn't even a god one, is that even a secret?" Harry asked. 

"Well I've never told anyone. Your turn."

"My mom doesn't let me go outside the house if I'm not wearing black." Harry said looking down. 

"What? Why." 

"I don't know, cause men are supposed to be men she says and apparently men wear all black." Harry said, Louis could see his hurt. So he grabbed Harry's hand in his and they were both quiet for a while. 

"You should be glad you mother isn't like that." Harry said looking at their hands. 

"Oh but she is. One time I wanted a pink cake for my birthday, because it's my favourite color y'know, but she said that the boys at my birthday party would bully me. And like the thing was... I already knew it, that they would bully me, but I felt like if only my mom said I can... y'know..." 

"Yeah, but sometimes you have to go against her."

"Have you ever done that?" Louis asked and Harry thought a bit.

"One time, one time I told her something very... not manly about myself." 

"Was she mad?" Louis asked. 

"Pissed, she pulled me right to church." Harry said.

"Was it worth it though?" Louis asked.

"Yes." Harry answered without hesitation. 

"Then fuck it." Louis said. Louis had just said "fuck it". He raised up and grabbed the most pink of all of Harry's nail polishes. Then he started painting his own and Harry's nails. Then he realised he was shit at that. But at that point it didn't matter because Harry was happy and Louis was happy.


	6. 6

Harry didn't come to school the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. And he didn't go to church that Sunday. And he didn't come to school the Monday after that either.

Louis was very worried about him, but for some reason he didn't dare to call or text Harry. He felt like maybe Harry was mad at him. For the nail thing. But he seemed to be happy though...

Niall and Liam had laughed at Louis' nails at first but when they realised it wasn't a joke they assured him that it fit him. Zayn had been quiet as usual. Louis' mother had took his hand and looked at the nails and asked him where he had them painted. When he answered "At Harry's" she had just shook her head and told him not to show his stepdad. He wasn't going to lie, that had hurt him. Why couldn't his mom just be like everyone else's parents and just support him in whatever he did. 

When it was finally Friday, and Harry still hadn't shown up at school, Louis decided that he'd ask Harry's friends if they knew where he was. His friends contained about eleven girls and if Louis was going to be honest, he didn't quite know exactly what table with girls he was supposed to approach. But then he heard a voice calling him.

"Hey, church boy!" It was a girl. Yes. 

He turned around to see a girl waving at him. Okay that was probably Olivia, or Amanda or whatever her name was. He walked up to their table. Then he sat down beside the girl.

"Oh my god Louis! Absolutely love your nails!" Amanda(?) said. Louis thanked her shyly.

"Uhm, anyway do you girls know where Harry is? He's been gone for a while..." Louis asked.

"Actually, we were about to ask you the same. Olivia tried FaceTiming him yesterday but he didn't answer, he always answer. We're kind of worried." One of the girls said.

"Are they dating?" Louis asked, it just slipped out. Some of the girls chuckled.

"Uhm you know Harry is-"

"Not really into Olivia! Uhm... Harry's not into her at all" One of the girls interrupted the other. She gave the other girl a look and the first girl gasped and covered her mouth. Louis had no idea what was going on.

"Anyway Louis, bring your friends over there to Amanda's party tonight. We'd love it if you came honestly, and Harry is invited too so he might-"

"Okay I'll see you there then. What time?" Louis said a little too fast probably.

"It starts at eight so come at nine and it won't be weird, okay?" Olivia said. Louis nodded and walked up to Niall, Zayn and Liam again. 

Louis told them about the party and Niall literally threw Louis in the air out of pure happiness. See they had never really been to a party before.

That seemed to be a problem later that night when Louis was going to pick an outfit. So he called both Lottie and Fizzy into his room for some help. 

"I swear to god Louis the blue shirt looks best!" Lottie said when Louis had gone against all of her and Fizzy's advice. Louis looked at himself. He wasn't sure.

"I like the pink one better though." Louis said and Lottie sighed. 

"Do you want to impress girls or not Louis?! You're going to end up alone!" Lottie shouted. Louis shrugged a bit. 

"Jesus Lottie, let him choose, some girls might like pink on boys. And of course he's not going to end up alone, we all know god wouldn't let him. There is a girl around the corner waiting for him!" Fizzy said and suddenly Louis didn't want to wear the pink one either. He wanted to go in his pajamas or some old ugly shirt. He didn't want to impress any girl, he just wasn't interested right now.

"Okay thank you very much both of you, you can go now." Louis said and pushed them both out of his room. He finally went with a loose T-shirt and his ugliest pair of jeans before he sneaked out the window. He hadn't told his sisters where he was going, he knew they'd tell mom if he told them and Louis was pretty sure she wouldn't like Louis going to a party. 

Zayn picked Louis, Niall and Liam up and they all looked at Louis.

"Dude did you just get out of bed or...?" Liam said and Niall laughed. 

"So what if I did?" Louis muttered. 

"Anyway, who'll stay sober tonight?" Zayn asked.

"I will" Louis said, he was the only one who said something.

"Well, that doesn't count, you don't have your drivers license yet." Zayn said and Louis sunk in his seat. 

"Piss off."

They decided that Liam was going to drive them home and thereof not drink anything. 

When they arrived, there were already a lot of people there and Louis kind of wanted to go home. But he didn't, because maybe Harry was here...

They walked into the house and they were met by the biggest party they'd ever seen, although again, they'd only seen one. They kept together for a while, but then the others were drunk (including Liam who had said he wouldn't be) and Louis was by himself. He sat down on the sofa in the living room with his cup of milk that he had asked Amanda far. He felt like a loser, well he was. 

Not long after that, two people started making out right next to him and he decided it was time to move. So he went out to the garden where many people were smoking and chatting. There was a pool, a trampoline and some kind of mix between a bench and a hammock. That was where he saw him. Harry. 

Harry said on the hammock with three girls. For some reason he wasn't wearing a shirt. He was also wearing sunglasses. 

Louis walked up to him and Harry smiled when he saw Louis. 

"What are you doing here sunshine?" Harry said. Louis blushed.

"Partying obviously." Louis said and Harry smiled. Then just a few minutes later Louis was pulled into Harry's lap. He rested his back against Harry's bare chest and Harry wrapped his arms around Louis. 

"What's in the cup?" Harry whispered in Louis' ear. Tingles.

"Milk" Louis said a bit ashamed. "What's in yours?"

"I have no idea, tastes like vodka and redbull so I'm guessing that." Harry said and Louis went quiet. "I'm sorry." Harry whispered. Louis shrugged and said "I don't mind." Harry kissed his head. Now Louis was completely sure that Harry was drunk. But it for some reason didn't bother Louis at all. 

"Why are you wearing those clothes? You could do better." Harry said. 

"Because I don't want a girlfriend." Louis said and Harry hugged him harder. Louis didn't know why he was always so honest with Harry when he seemed to be lying to everyone else. 

"Fuck girlfriends." Harry said and Louis agreed. Fuck that. 

"Fuck milk too, honestly." Louis said and and grabbed Harry's cup. He tasted the substance and tried not to think too much about it. 

Two hours later Louis couldn't stand straight and he was making his mom upset and he disappointed god and he embarrassed himself and he wasn't supposed to drink more and he felt fucking alive. He had never felt more alive ever. His shirt had somehow ended up on Harry and he was on Harry's shoulders in the pool. Almost everyone was either surrounded by the pool or in the pool. Louis was pretty sure about half of the water was alcohol at this point. 

"You two are so fucking hot together!" Amanda shouted at them. 

"You heard that sunshine, we're fucking sexy!" Harry shouted way to loudly.

"Hell yeah!" Louis shouted back.

Then Harry threw Louis in the water and they started wrestling. Louis was so out of it. He got a grab on Harry's bicep and practically moaned out "You're so fucking strong Harold!" Harry laughed and that was that.

When Louis woke up the next day he wasn't home. He was on the grass, trapped in something. He also had a massive headache, he felt like he might throw up, his neck hurt and he had a throbbing pain on his lower back.


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy. This part kind of brings the whole story forward a bit so yeah that's exciting I guess. 
> 
> WARNINGS: homophobia

Shit. He was going to throw up. Like now. But he was stuck in something.

He soon figured out that this something was a gigantic sweater. He didn't remember getting into the sweater, or to be fair he didn't remember anything from the day before. 

He realised pretty fast that he was sharing this sweater with someone. Someone seemed to be a sleeping Harry Styles. Louis was literally laying on his chest in the middle of a garden. Oh my god. 

"Harry I'm going to throw up!" He wasted no time in whispering or whatever and Harry's eyes fluttered open. He looked confused and very sleepy. It was the cutest thing Louis had ever seen. 

"Wot?" Harry said when Louis tried to get out of the sweater. 

"Help! Harry I'm going to throw up on you!" Louis panicked. Harry somehow managed to get Louis out of the sweater before Louis ran away to a bush. Disgusting. He reminded himself to never get drunk again. Shit. He had actually been drinking. 

He sat down on the grass and buried his head in his knees. He was so stupid. His mom would hate him now. Why couldn't he just drink milk? Or he could've stayed at home. 

"Hey listen, I'll give you a ride home and your mother won't even know you were here. It's 5 am, come on." Louis heard Harry say. It was as if he could read Louis' mind. Louis nodded. 

Louis didn't know if Harry was actually aloud to drive with the amount of alcohol he had consumed only a few hours ago, but it was his only chance. So they got into Harry's car and Louis sighed. 

"Don't worry about it Louis, you'll go to heaven anyway." Harry said.

"Yeah, but that's not the problem y'know. I mean I- Like the problem is that I should feel bad for this and I should be praying for forgiveness and stuff like that, but I just... I don't feel bad Harry. I know it disappoints my mother but I don't want to be church boy. I wan't to go to parties, drink, swear and fuck. Honestly. And you know god would already know that's what I want, because he would be able to read my mind... but like who the hell is able to read someone's mind? It's impossible! It's all unbelievable!" Louis said and Harry bit his lip.

"I think you're drunk Louis. You wouldn't say that." Harry said.

"Of course I'm drunk but I don't believe in god. I don't! You know I don't Harry. You don't believe in it either!" 

"I do" Harry said. Louis was confused. 

"Well lying is a sin." Louis said.

"Well, I'm not lying Louis." Harry said. "I believe in it."

"Why don't you act like it then?!" Louis burst out. "You're a sinner Harry, you're going to hell!" Shit. He didn't mean to say that. "Sorry, I didn't mean that I just- If you actually believe in it, why don't you stop with all of those sins?" Louis said. 

"I'm going to hell anyway." Harry said looking out the window. He was surprisingly calm, maybe because he was driving. 

"No you're not?! Just change!" Louis said, he was upset now. 

"I can't fucking change Louis!" Harry was upset too now. He stopped the can on the side of the road. 

"What the hell are you talking about?! Everyone can change!" Louis screamed back. 

"Well I don't want to!" Louis wondered at what point the conversation got so loud...

"WHY?!"

"Because I'm gay Louis! I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm..." Then Harry started crying. Full on crying. What the hell was happening? Harry was gay. He liked guys. But more importantly, he was crying. 

"Harry..."

"My parents hate me, your parents hate me, god hates me, everyone hates me. I don't want to! I want to go away, I don't want to be here anymore." Harry cried and Louis had no idea what to say. So he grabbed Harry and pulled him into his arms. He cried even harder into Louis' shoulder. 

"I don't hate you, I could never. You're... You're my favourite person Harry." 

Harry continued to cry for a long while and his sunglasses pressed into Louis' neck. 

Then they got out of the car and walked around in the woods on the side of the road. They talked a lot about things they had never mentioned before.

"My mom tells me I was born sick, that I disappoint god every day." Harry said.

"See that is why I don't want to believe in it. How could he judge someone for who they love? You're the perfect friend, the perfect son, the perfect student and I bet you'd be the perfect boyfriend too, yet you're going to hell because of one little thing. It doesn't make sense to me." Louis said and Harry shrugged. 

"I believe in it, being gay is wrong." Harry said looking down. "I can't help it."

"It's not wrong Harry, religion is supposed to be about loving each other. So of course you can! Tell me now, have you ever had a boyfriend?" Louis asked.

"No. I'm not allowed to." Harry said.

"Have you ever kissed a boy?" Louis asked again and Harry nodded. 

"But every time I do something like that, this happens." Harry said and took in sunglasses off. His eye was completely swollen and blue. 

"Oh my god! Wh- Was that why you didn't come to school?" Louis asked. 

"That and the fact that I was praying for a week straight." Harry answered. Louis' heart dropped. Poor Harry.

"Wait was that my fault? Was it your nails?!" Louis asked and Harry looked away. It was. "Did they hit you Harry?" Harry didn't answer. They did. "Harry we have to tell someone!"

"NO! No, if you do that I'll- Please don't do that Louis, I'm begging you! I love my mom." Harry grabbed Louis' shoulders. 

"It's okay Harry, I wont okay? Just- Just come to my place if it happens again, okay?" Louis asked.

"Okay."

When Louis was finally home, he didn't even bother to climb through his window. He was met by his mother in the hallway and she did not look very. Of course.

"I mommy" Louis smiled as if it wasn't 7 in the morning and he had been out the whole night. 

"Where in the name of god have you been?!" 

"At Amanda's" Louis said, he decided it was best if he didn't mention the party thing. 

"Is she you're girlfriend?" His mother asked and Louis shrugged his shoulders. 

"No? I guess? I don't know!" Louis said, although she wasn't even close to his type.

"Oh my god Louis you- Did you..." His mother asked.

"Did I fuck her? Yes, and another girl too." Louis had no idea what had gotten into him. His mother gasped. 

"No you didn't!" She covered her mouth.

"Okay, no I actually didn't, I don't even want a girlfriend. I'm just fucking around with you mom." Louis smiled and his mother gasped again. 

"Did Harry teach you that language? I swear to god! You're not allowed to see him anymore!"

"What makes you thing he taught me that? Because he's gay? Mom you're mean! Don't you hear yourself?" Louis said. 

"You know he's gay?" She seemed to calm down for some reason. 

"Yes. He told me. Mom he thinks, there's something wrong with him. His mother tells him he was born sick!" Louis said. It went quiet after that. 

"You don't agree do you?" Louis asked. She shook her head.

"Louis, listen to me. If I was the one to decide, I'd let him be himself, but many people think otherwise and thereof it's best not to speak about it. Not even in our home. Not anywhere. Okay? NOw go up to your room before Mark sees you!" She said and he rushed up to his room. He wasn't happy with her response, but it could have been worse. Way worse. 

When he was in his room, he seemed to be able to feel the stinging pain on his lower back again. He must have gotten a bit or something. But it kind of felt bigger than that. So he lifted his shirt up and and looked in the mirror. Oh shit. A tattoo.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Self harm

Louis could barely make out what the tattoo said, Ethan? Edison? Was it even a name? It was definitely made by someone not very experienced.

He took a photo of it. Wow. His arse looked huge from that angle. 

Then he sent the picture to Harry with the caption "U know anything about that? lol". 

In all honesty Louis didn't dislike the tattoo so much. He didn't have a problem with the fact that it'd be on his body for the rest of his life. He just kind of laughed about it. 

"Oh my god. Sorry Lou! I'm pretty sure I made that... Says Edward, doesn't it?" Harry wrote back about two hours later. Edward. Who the fuck was that?

"Who the hell is Edward?" 

"That's my middle name..." Oh my god, Harry's middle name was Edward. Fucking Edward. 

Louis decided to call Harry instead.

"Oh my god Louis I'm so so sorry. I don't remember doing that!" Harry panicked.

"Hey, it's fine. I like it actually. Not sure my mom does though..." Louis said. "Uhm... speaking of my mom, I told her you told me. Just so you know."

"That's okay. What did she say? Are we still aloud to hang out?" Harry asked casually. It hurt Louis how many times Harry had probably been through this.

"No no no, actually she said that she would support you if you were her son. But like also that it was nothing to talk about out loud, which is y'know, pure bullshit, but yeah." Louis said.

"Well that's quite nice then."

"I guess... Hey, you want to go swimming with me today?"

"Only if we go to my swimming place." Harry said.

"Of course you have your own swimming place." Louis laughed.

"Hey! It actually even has a little bridge!" Harry said and Louis smiled. Of course it had. 

"Come pick me up then?" Louis asked.

"Ok, bye boo, Harry said and hung up. Louis loved the little pet names. 

10 minutes later Harry was knocking on the door and Louis just grabbed the closest towel and ran down the stairs. He almost fell down the last steps before he reached the door. 

"Well, well, well, isn't it Harry Edward Styles?" Louis smiled and pushed them both out the door before anyone saw Harry. He didn't know, but he had the feeling that Mark didn't like them hanging out.

"Hey." Harry said smiling too. 

Then they jumped into the car and soon they arrived at a field. Louis didn't know this was the location but apparently. 

It was a beautiful place though, with flowers and grass everywhere and if you walked down the field, you could see the lake. No one was there, not a single person. Well, except for the two of them. They ran across the field for a bit, trying to catch up to each other. They laughed and fell and ran. And again, Louis felt alive. 

They both fell on top of each other so that Harry's head was resting on Louis' shoulder. Their cheeks pressed together and they breathed heavily. 

"Sometimes I wish it was just you and I Louis" Harry said. 

"Yeah, me too. I'm glad you moved to town, no one understands me like you do." Louis said. 

"Did you really mean it when you said you stopped believing, or were you just mad?" Harry asked quietly.

"A bit of both I think. I never like admitting to myself that I sometimes doubt my own religion, it's supposed to me what I live for right? But at the same time, forcing myself to be someone I'm not just to please someone... I don't want to do that anymore." Louis said turning his head towards Harry. Harry did the same and their noses touched. Louis giggled. 

"I get that." Harry said. 

"I know you do." 

Then they just laid like that, looking at each other for half an hour. Then Louis sat up.

"Let's swim now!" Louis said and pulled Harry with him to the little bridge. 

"I'm not getting in, s'cold." Harry said when Louis had already removed all his clothes except for his underpants. He stood with his back against Harry. But then he turned around frowning. 

"What?! For real Harry?" Louis said and Harry sat down cross legged on the bridge. He was wearing actual swimming shorts and a long sleeved shirt. He nodded his head.

"For real." Harry said. Louis pouted and walked closer to Harry. He cupped his cheeks in his hands and made him look up at him.

"Pretty please Harold." Louis begged and suddenly he be came aware of how close Harry's face was to his crotch. So he bent down crouching instead. "We can get high after..." Louis suggested. 

"Okay but don't... Just don't judge me, okay?" Harry said.

"I'd never." Louis said.

"I know..." Harry said and lifted his shirt up. His wrists were both covered in bandages. Oh. Louis looked at him.

"You said you wouldn't judge." Harry said a bit worried.

"I'm not, just figuring out a way for you not to get them wet." Louis said and Harry gasped. 

"What?" Louis said.

"I think my heart just melted. In a good way." Harry said and Louis chuckled. 

"Okay just keep your arms on my shoulders then, and tell me if it hurts." Louis said and then they made their way into the water. Harry kept his arms on Louis' shoulders and Louis' hands were on Harry's waist so that he wouldn't fall.

"I told you it's cold!" Harry hissed.

"No, you're overreacting. Just enjoy it, this might be the last swim we go for this year." Louis said. Harry nodded. Louis looked into Harry's green eyes.

"Harry, do you truly love your family?" Louis asked and Harry looked down. 

"Yeah. No. I don't know. I truly love Gemma. She's always there for me. Uhm... I don't know if I told you but... When I was sixteen I think, I... tried to y'know, I didn't want to live anymore. I had everything set up and I felt like the world would be better without me. But then the last minute she was there, she told me that she didn't care who I was as long as I was happy... and she told me that mom loved me anyway. I still like to believe that, that mom loves me... I just- She changed y'know?" Harry said and Louis nodded. "Every time I enter the house she looks at me as if my existence disappoint her, it used to be different before she met Robin. I'd come home from school everyday and she'd tell me she was proud of me and if she didn't say it, I could see it in her eyes. But now they're just... empty kind of." 

"She does love you Harry. Every single time I've seen her look at you when you're looking away, I see that she loves you. Truly." Louis said and a tear fell down Harry's face. Louis pulled him closer and Harry buried his face in Louis neck. 

Then they pulled away slightly and Harry shivered. They decided it was time to get up. They stood on the bridge and dried off in the sun. 

"Do you truly love your family then?" Harry asked and Louis turned to face him. 

"Yes. I do. Almost every day. My mom changed as well, when she met Mark I mean. And I don't think he's very fond of sinners like you and I... But I love him. And I love my sisters, they're my favorite people in the whole world. Sometimes I just wish our way at looking at things as a family was a bit different. I know that almost whatever I do, I'm going to disappoint someone, whether it is myself, my mom, Mark or my sisters. I feel like I'm not aloud to live. I hate that."Louis said. 

"Do you think I'm going to hell?" Harry asked suddenly. 

"Honestly? I think we'll meet there." Louis said and stepped a bit closer to Harry. Their faces very close to each other. 

"Yeah?" Harry breathed.

"If you go I'll go. Promise to never leave without me." Louis whispered. 

"I promise." Harry said.

Louis could see him looking at his lips. Was Harry going to kiss him? Like, on the lips? He knew Louis wasn't gay right?

But then it happened. Harry leaned forward and pressed his lips softly against Louis'. 

Butterflies. 

Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies. 

But Louis had never kissed anyone before... How... He just stayed still. 

But Harry pulled away. Why? Was he done? Was that the kiss?

"Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!"


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah basically fluff>angst>fluff in this one

What. What had just happened. Why was Harry so terrified?

Not even two seconds had gone before Harry pulled his sweater over his head out of what Louis assumed to be embarrassment. 

What was he supposed to do now? Just stand here looking at the boy whose head was trapped in the purple sweater? No. He couldn't just stand there. 

Before Louis had understood what he was doing he dived under the sweater so that he and Harry both were in it. It kind of reminded him of earlier. Harry's eyes were closed tightly. He looked absolutely dead ashamed. 

Louis looked down at his lips, the ones that just a few seconds ago had pulled apart from his. He knew he shouldn't kiss Harry again, he might think Louis is crazy. Louis wasn't gay. Harry probably wasn't even like into him for real and it would've been bold of Louis to assume that Harry would like the first guy he laid eyes on just because he was gay and-

There they were again. Lips against lips. Kissing. Louis had done it. He just did it. 

Louis cupped Harry's face in his hands and pulled him closer. He tried opening up his mouth just a little and Harry's bottom lip slipped between Louis' lips. Wow okay. Then Harry started moving his lips a bit and Louis just followed along.

Soon they were making out, tongue and all. Weird. It was weird. It was weird because it felt so right, like this was meant to be. Like Louis had just waited for this moment his whole life. 

And it was weird, because Louis wasn't in love with Harry. He had been in love with several girls before and it had felt nothing like it felt right now. 

Harry was first to pull away. No. Why would he do that? Louis wasn't done yet. He wanted more... Or something. 

"I'm sorry Louis, I know you're just trying to make it up to me." That was probably true, Louis thought. But if it was true, why did he want to continue? 

"No I- I mean" Louis tried.

"I get it, it's okay. Let's just never speak of this again, okay?" Harry asked. 

What? WHAT? Louis had just had his first ever kiss and he was to not ever speak of it again? Why? 

"I-I'm not ashamed of it." Louis said and Harry got out of the sweater and started walking towards the car. 

"I know Louis, that's why you kissed me back." Harry mumbled. WHAT?!

"No! I did it because..." Louis said and Harry turned around. 

"Because? You felt bad for me? I know Louis, it's fine I don't want to talk about it!" Harry said and walked faster towards the car. Oh no. Not this again. 

"Hey wait up!" Louis said running after him. 

When he caught up to his they were already at the car.

"Harry..." 

"Louis please do me a favor and don't mention it, I just don't want to talk about it no more." Harry sad and Louis finally gave up. 

"Okay."

It was a quiet car ride home. Louis really didn't know what to say. What do you say after you kiss your one friend that actually understands you? What do you say when you ruin the one friendship you treasure for life?

"Where are we going?" Louis asked when Harry seemed to drive the car to a completely different side of town. 

"You told me we could get high and I'm out of weed. So we'll have to go get some." Harry said. Oh god. Was Harry taking him to a dealer?

"Oh god." Louis mumbled.

"No, no, you stay in the car. That's fine." Harry said and Louis sighed in relief. 

When they were on the outskirts of town, Harry stopped the car. They were at some kind of old parking lot. 

Harry got out of the car and was met by another guy. 

They were talking. Louis needed to know what they were talking about. He hoisted the window down on the car a little bit. Fuck sins anyway, he was too curious to not be sneaking.

"Plus the usual then?"

"Fuck you"

"Yeah no that's what you wouldn't let me do last time, Harold." 

"Well, not this time either."

"What, you got that boyfriend of yours with you today?"

"He's not my boyfriend and he'll never be, thank you."

"Aww, he's not husband material huh?" 

"Just give me the weed, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't be such a baby Styles." 

"'m not."

"Well that's what a baby would say, here ya go, take these as well."

"I don't skate."

"Maybe not boyfriend does."

Then Harry was back in the car with a package and two skateboards for some reason.

"What's with the skateboards?" Louis asked as if he hadn't listened to the whole conversation.

"I dunno, you skate?" Harry asked. 

"Sure, sometimes. But why the hell would he give you those?"

"He probably stole them and couldn't sell them or something." Harry answered. "You know anyone who lives around here?"

"Not really..."

"Great, then let's stop at the next good place." Harry said and Louis nodded. 

"Uhm... you- You said you were a virgin, did you lie?" Louis asked.

"No, why?" Harry asked and Louis sighed.

"Uhm, I listened to your conversation and I figured you slept with him."

"Of course you did, you sneaky fucker." Harry laughed. It was good to see a smile on his face. "And to actually answer your question...No, I didn't sleep with him. Not really. He did some stuff to me though, y'know, because I wanted to feel something. Turns out that wasn't at all a good feeling when it was a stranger. I was just scared that I'd catch some disease to be honest. Could barely get it up y'know." Harry said. That would have been to much information, but for some reason it wasn't. It was never too much with Harry. 

Louis chuckled. Then Harry stopped the car. They were in another empty parking lot now and it started to become dark outside. Louis would have been scared if Harry wasn't there. 

"Okay, here's how it's going to work out; We smoke, you teach me how to ride this thing and then we have the time of our lives on these." Harry said holding up the skateboards. "Hopefully I'll get good enough to feel like the king of the fucking world." Harry said smiling. 

"You are already."


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly smutty I guess...
> 
> Worse will probably come though...

Harry rolled two joints for them and Louis was a little tiny bit scared. He hadn't done anything like this before. Ever.

"Here, light that one." Harry said and gave Louis one of them. But Louis just stood there. 

"Oh right, uhm... just put in between your lips and I'll light it for you. I mean if you're still up for it?" He made it a question. Louis nodded and placed the joint between his lips. 

"Okay, now just breathe it into your lungs and let it out. Like this:" Harry said and took a blow from the one in his hand. Louis did the same. He actually managed not to cough as the smoke travelled down his lungs. It kind of stung though. But there was something addictive about it, obviously.

"Well, good boy then." Harry smirked and Louis fell apart inside. Why was Harry so... hot? 

Harry was sitting down on the ground with his legs crossed. He was wearing sunglasses again, but this time, it wasn't for hiding his eye. Louis had already seen it. 

"Why are you wearing sunglasses?" Louis asked. Starting to feel a little loose in his mind.

"Because I look fucking hot in them, don't I?" Harry said dead serious and Louis smiled. 

"Always." Louis said laughing. He took another blow and got the skateboards out of the car. They were definitely not new, but he hadn't really expected that either. 

"The one with blue wheels is yours." Harry said. 

"Why's that?" Louis asked. 

"Because blue is your color. 's pretty just like your eyes." Harry said and Louis laughed. "Pretties eyes ever. Wanna eat you up, you're so pretty." Harry said and Louis laughed. They were both high now.

"Well get your arse up and let me teach you how to do this." Louis said and Harry winked at him.

"Dirty" Harry mumbled and Louis laughed.

30 minutes later they hadn't come super far because Harry kept trying to lean on Louis as his own balance apparently wasn't enough. 

"C'mon you can't do that Harry you'll never learn." Louis said and Harry sighed. "Okay you know what, I'll stand behind you on my skateboard and if you're gonna fall, fall on me." Louis said and Harry looked at him as if he was crazy. 

"I'm gonna crush you." Harry said.

"Well don't fall then" Louis said and stood on his skateboard behind Harry. He wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and then pushed them forward. 

"You see that wasn't hard." Louis said.

"Well I'm about to be if you keep grinding on me like that." Harry said.

"I wasn't!" Louis laughed crossing his arms. 

"You totally were!" Harry said laughing as well. 

"Fuck you!" Louis laughed.

"Whenever you want." Harry said smirking. Then it went quiet. They just stared at each other for a long time. 

Then out of no where Louis started chasing Harry around the whole parking lot. The two of them ran around like crazy before Louis caught up to Harry and jumped on his back. He buried his face in the crook of Harry's neck. He wanted to stay there forever. But he knew Harry had enough to carry as it was. Mentally at least. 

"I love us Harry." Louis whispered. 

"Me too. We're something else aren't we?" Harry asked and before Louis could answer he was sat down on his skateboard, Harry was sat in front of him and Louis' legs were still wrapped around his waist. He didn't let go of Harry. He didn't want to. So they rode around like that, sitting on on skateboard. 

It was completely dark outside now and everything was quiet except for Harry, who had now started singing. They were completely gone too, high as buildings. And again, Louis felt it. Alive. 

"Harry I feel alive when I'm with you." He said. Harry turned around on the skateboard and Louis' legs were still wrapped around his hips, almost sitting in his lap now. 

"Do you not feel alive otherwise?" Harry asked and Louis shrugged. He didn't know. 

"When I'm with Niall, I feel happy. When I'm with Liam I feel loved. When I'm with Zayn I feel appreciated. When I'm with your friends I fell like the toddler everyone wants to coo at. But when I'm with you, I feel alive." Louis said trying to explain it. "I feel like all my life I've waited for you to come and change everything... Sort of. But it's weird because at the same time, my whole life I've been afraid of change. I've been scared of losing what I have, but you made me realise that I'm more afraid of never getting to experience something else. Y'know, all I want right now is to explore every part of me that I didn't think existed... if that makes sense." Louis said. He knew it probably didn't make sense. 

"And what part is that?" Harry asked looking at Louis. 

"Right now?" Louis asked. 

"Right now."

"Right now, all I want to do is in front of me." Louis said and not even a second after that, their lips were pressed together in a kiss again. But this time, it was rough. Louis felt like an animal. Probably some animal that eats butterflies because his stomach were full of them. He had only ever felt that feeling three times. The first one, when Harry pressed him up against his car, he second one when Harry had kissed him a couple of hours ago and the third one was now. Harry kissing him as if he was a drug and Harry was a drug addict. Maybe he was. No? 

Louis pressed himself closer to Harry and their hips met. Oh shit. He could literally feel Harry's- No he couldn't think about that or else he would get hard too and that would be a problem. 

That was a problem that seemed to come quite quickly though, because Harry (Or Louis himself) started literally grinding on the other one. And he did it back. 

Louis was on Harry's lap for real now and he tried desperately to make something happen. Although he didn't know what exactly. 

Harry's crotch rubbed onto his exactly right and Louis straight up moaned against Harry's lips. 

"Oh my god do that again!" Louis said without even thinking. But Harry did it again and this time both of them let out some kind of weird sound. 

Louis soon noticed that Harry wasn't really bringing this any forward so he decided to take care of it. He rolled them of the skateboard and onto the grass on the side of the parking lot. Harry whined as their hips met again, but this time with Louis on top. 

Louis immediately pulled away and looked at Harry's face. 

"Are you okay?" Louis asked and Harry nodded. His eyes were closed. Louis didn't know if he actually was okay but he continued to roll his hips into Harry's. Harry's mouth opened and he let out small breaths. 

"Do you want to stop?" Louis asked. What? He was worried he was hurting Harry.

"No, no, no, no, I'm almost-" Harry said and Louis got it. He kissed Harry again. He felt something in his lower stomach that he had never felt before. 

"Uh- Oh fuck-Harry something...Something is happening, I- Oh, oh-" Louis said and Harry moaned out something that sounded like "Me too, just continue.". So Louis did and just a couple of seconds later he felt the still quite unfamiliar feeling that he had gotten when he woke up that night. 

It seemed as if Harry had just came as well, because now they both were out of breath. Louis had crashed on top of Harry and he was breathing heavily into his ear. 

"I'm sorry." Louis said after a while.

"For what?" Harry breathed. 

"I feel like I hurt you, I don't think you enjoyed that as much as I did." Louis said. He was kind of sad now.

"Oh believe me, I did. I've never had a better orgasm in my whole life." Harry said and Louis blushed. Although it was way to dark for Harry to know. 

"Look at the stars." Louis said and pointed to the sky. He was now side by side with Harry. 

"You trying to be romantic now too?" Harry laughed. Yes.

"No, I'm just trying to make it less awkward." Louis said. 

"It was never awkward, Louis Tomlinson." Harry said. "The only thing that feels slightly awkward right now is what's in my pants. Otherwise I'm quite happy." Harry said and Louis chuckled. 

"I...I've never done that before. Like not even on my own." Louis said.

"I know. How do you feel?" Harry asked. They looked up at the stars. 

"First I felt sad, because I thought you weren't happy. But now I feel like the king of the fucking world." Louis said and Harry took his hand. 

"Stole my words, didn't you little fucker?" Harry teased as he drew small figures on the back of Louis' hand. 

"Well you stole my first experience so I think it's fine." Louis said and Harry smiled. Louis was sure that Harry smiled. 

"Do you think we'll regret this in the morning?" Harry asked. 

"I don't think I will no, you... you're the one person I'd do that with I think... Do you know what I'm saying?" Louis asked. 

"No."

"Me neither. I just know that it feels right for me." Louis said. "Do you think you'll regret it?" 

"I'm gay Louis, I don't think so" Harry said. Right. Gay. Straight. What more? Louis didn't know. Fuck labels anyway, Louis thought about saying that out loud, but he knew Harry had figured out who he was and Louis didn't want to offend him. So he kept quiet.


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really happens in this one, but I thought it was cute anyway:)
> 
> Read if u want, skip if u want I guess.
> 
> (They spend the whole chapter in Louis' bed tho)

A moth. It was a month ago that Louis and Harry had smoked weed and... other stuff.

They had spent a lot of time together, mostly in Louis' room because they were worried they'd get caught hanging out in Harry's. Louis was worried anyway. For Harry. He knew things weren't completely right in Harry's family. 

Right now they were on Louis' bed, studying. They weren't even in the same grade, so there was actually no reason for them to do so, but lately they had seemed to make up scenarios so that there was a reason for them to hang out. Like yesterday, when Harry had called Louis saying that his cat had ran away, when in fact it had just been out in the garden for a couple of more minutes than usual. When Louis thought about it, he wouldn't say they even tried looking for Harry's cat. They just walked around chatting.

Today Louis had called Harry over so that Harry could check if Louis' tattoo was healing right, which Louis didn't give a shit about to be honest, but again, it was a reason... not a god one but anyway...

"I should take a look at that tattoo then?" Harry said and Louis laughed.

"You just want to see my arse!" He laughed out. Harry tried looking offended but he ended up laughing too. 

"Hey! Just because I like dick doesn't mean I want to have a look at everyone's ass all the time!" Harry said. 

"Mmhhmm." Louis said, kind of flirting probably. Yep. Yes. Lately had realised that it probably wasn't just a coincidence that he had gotten off against Harry that day and it probably wasn't just a coincidence that every time he got himself off, yes he did that now, he was thinking of Harry. 

They hadn't kissed since then. Not really anyway, he had kissed Harry's cheek and Harry had kissed his forehead (Which by the way was Louis' new favorite thing). 

"Well, you gonna get that shirt off or not?" Harry asked and Louis smiled and then he slowly took his shirt off. He felt naked. Completely naked. He crossed his arms over his chest and Harry smiled. 

"You do know you don't have boobies right?" Harry said and Louis' chuckled.

"Boobies." Louis repeated and turned around so that Harry could see his lower back. 

"Have you ever touched a pair?" Harry asked casually and Louis shivered from the thought. 

"I've barely had a girlfriend Haz" Louis said. 

"Well me neither, but I've still touched boobs." Harry said and Louis gasped when Harry straddled him right over his bum. 

"How did they feel?" Louis asked while Harry inspected his back. 

"Quite nice actually, like ass but... softer." Harry said and Louis laughed. 

"Really? Softer?" He chuckled and Harry nodded while smirking. Louis looked at him over his shoulder. "In which scenario do the gay boy get to touch boobs anyway?"

"In every single one. Haven't you seen how the girls treat me? Every girl wants a gay best friend and the gay best friend gets way closer than the other boys to be honest. In all ways." Harry said. 

"So who's your best friend? Amanda? Olivia?" Louis asked. Harry was still sitting on top of him. 

"You are my best friend Lou, don't you know that?" Harry asked smiling. Louis blushed. "Oh my god you've got a pimple on your back, let me-" 

"No fucking way!" Louis shouted and suddenly they were full on wrestling on Louis' bed. That went on for a while, until they both got tired and Louis ended up on top of Harry instead. But this time they were face to face. They both breathed heavily. They just looked at each other until Louis started to lean a little closer. 

"Can I kiss you?" Louis asked quietly and instead of answering Harry pressed their lips together. Louis had missed this feeling, although this kiss wasn't like the other ones. It was slow and way more controlled than the last time. Harry's hands held Louis' face in place and Louis' were on Harry's chest. 

"Soft hair." Harry mumbled between kisses when his hands travelled through Louis' hair and Louis smiled into the kiss. 

Then Harry's phone rung and he sighed pulling away from Louis. Louis rested his head on Harry's chest and one of Harry's hands came up to massage his head. Wow. 

Harry answered the phone. Louis soon realised that this wasn't just a normal call, it was a FaceTime call. 

"Hi Olivia!" Harry said trying to sound excited. 

"Woah you look like you just got railed." Olivia said. "Oh my god Oli, you can't just say that!" Another voice that sounded like Amanda shouted out. 

Harry chuckled. 

"Wait, did you though...?" Amanda asked. 

"...No" Harry said. Why did he say it like that? Almost like 'no but I was about to'. That made Louis scared. What if Harry thought Louis was ready for stuff like that... He had barely figured out how to touch himself yet. 

"Oh my god, he's in a bed!" Olivia said. "Oh my- Harry whose bed is that??" Amanda asked and Harry sighed looking down at Louis. Louis smiled up at him. 

"'s mine." Harry lied smirking. 

"No way! You literally have a princess bed with thousands of pillows Harry don't lie." Amanda said. 

"This one has a thousand ones, look!" Harry said and showed them the three pillows in Louis' bed. 

"WHAT WAS THAT!?" One of them screamed out. "Literally saw a head on your chest!"

"No!" Harry let out.

"Yes!" Amanda said. "I bet that's Louis!" She said. Shit. "Who?" Olivia asked. "Little Louis, church boy." Oh great, now they made fun of his size too. 

"Fuck off" Louis muttered and didn't realised it until he heard the girls gasp. 

"It is Louis! Come on Louis, we wanna see youuu!" Olivia said and Louis sighed. 

He pushed himself up so that his face was in level with Harry's. 

"Awww, you two are so cute! Are you dating?" Amanda asked. 

"No?" "Nope, not us no" Louis and Harry said at the same time. 

"I'm not even gay." Louis said and Harry seemed to think that was quite fun. He really wasn't though. 

"What? For real? We thought you were." The girls said. What? Why?

"Based on what?" Louis asked. 

"Well, you were quite interested in Harry, and he's obviously very gay and you said you didn't want a girlfriend and also you kind of have the whole gay-vibe"

"What? I play football?! Isn't that the most straight thing ever?" Louis asked. 

"No that's the most top thing ever." Olivia chuckled and Harry let out a laugh. Louis was confused. 

"Well, we gotta go now if we want to be in time for church." Harry said. Louis didn't want to be in time for church. He wanted to cuddle Harry. 

"Awww, church boys aren't ya!" Harry shook his head and ended the call. 

They were quiet for a moment. 

"Harry, don't laugh but what the fuck did they mean with top?" Louis asked and Harry sighed. 

"Ooh I'd rather not have you know that..." Harry said. 

"Please!"

"Uhm... you know... ah well this is a bit embarrassing for me... Well, you know how I pulled you on top while we ha our little... moment in the parking lot, err it's that I guess." Harry said clearly leaving something out. 

"That's all, I'm the one on top when we make out?" Louis asked and Harry buried his head in his hands. 

"Alright... When gay men do the dirty one of them gotta take it up the ass and one of them gotta-"

"Alright, alright! Less details please!" 

"Sorry... Well, giver his top, taker is bottom then. You get it?" Harry asked. 

"Yup. Well theoretically... how would they know I top?"

"Well they tend to be a bit more masculine I suppose." Harry shrugged. 

"Are you a top or a bottom then?" Louis asked. 

"When looking at our current position it's quite clear innit?" Harry said. Louis was still straddling Harry. 

"Oh god." Louis said and rolled to Harry's side. "This is probably the weirdest conversation we've had..." 

"Well what about when you jizzed-" Harry started but Louis pressed a kiss to his mouth before he could end it. Then he whispered "We. Don't. Talk. About. That." in Harry's ear. Harry smiled.

"How did the tattoo look by the way?" Louis asked.

"Oh I don't know, I was looking at your ass." Harry teased. He was smirking, the little shit was smirking. 

"You fucker! You said you wouldn't!" Louis tried to be serious but he started laughing instead. 

"I never said that..."


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think this might be longer then other chapter but idk. Anyway, it contains a bit of smut. Yup. So warning I guess. 
> 
> Also I said before that this story was probably gonna have about 10-15 chapters... well it's gonna be way longer. We haven't even come to the twist yet:) 
> 
> So probably double what I said up and you'll have the approximate amount of chapters... Or triple...

Another month. But during this one they had spent almost every day making out. It was as if Harry had accepted the fact that Louis didn't just do it because it made Harry feel good at the same time that Louis had accepted the same thing. 

A lot had happened during this month too. Louis and Harry had accidentally been caught making out in one of the toilets at a party at some Avery-girl's house. They had been caught by Niall and Amanda. Weird combination, one would have thought, as Amanda obviously was way out of Niall's league. But apparently she had found him "cute" and thereof they had now been secretly sleeping with each other for two weeks. It made Louis a bit mad, because both Zayn and Liam had apparently been aware of the situation. But when he thought about it, it was probably his own fault for ditching them whenever Harry asked him if he was free. But what could he do, he loved Harry. Liked Harry. Same thing. Kind of.

When Louis and Harry had been caught in the bathroom, both Olivia and Niall had tried acting surprised, mainly for Louis' sake. Because apparently Harry had been telling "his girlfriends" (as he called them) basically everything that had ever happened between him and Louis. Louis could only hope that he had left out the time Louis had called Harry (aka the time they don't talk about). He really did hope that he had told the girls about the time they got each other off, because lately he had started to take a bit of pride in making Harry come the first time they even did something like that. The first and the only. Anyways, Olivia had apparently updated Niall on a regular basis about them as well. Louis wasn't sure what he thought about that. 

Oh, and that time when Harry had whispered something that sounded a lot like "I love..." in Louis' ear and it had made Louis' whole lower stomach turn. In a good way. In a great way. 

Right now they were in church. It was a Sunday in late October. Harry was sat with Gemma and the rest of his family and Louis was sat his. He wondered if Gemma knew how much him and Harry had hung out lately. She probably did. Harry probably told her a lot about Louis. Hopefully good things. 

They were making eye contact now, him and Harry. Louis bit his lip and Harry looked like he was about to faint. He let out a little moan that made everyone look at him. 

"Excuse me, I've got back problems." He mumbled and Louis laughed out quite loud. 

"I do Lewis, or whatever your name is." Harry smirked and Louis so badly wanted to flip him off, but then he remembered they were in church. They turned around to the priest again so he could continue talking about whatever. Louis' mind wondered off to Harry. He wondered if Harry was thinking of him too. Probably not, Harry actually still believed in all this crap and maybe it was quite important to him. Louis had thought a lot about what he believed in. He had come to the conclusion that he did believe that there was a heaven and that there was a hell. But for some reason he couldn't seem to care much about that, he didn't care about which of them he ended up in. He just wanted to end up in the same place as Harry. 

After the whole meeting thing was done, Harry's family stayed there to talk to Louis'. They had apparently made plans to come to Louis' house and eat that evening. That was quite exciting until he heard Harry's mom saying Harry wasn't coming. 

"Mom can we go now I'm so fucking hungry I haven't had-" Harry said before he had realised what he did. Everyone looked at him with widened eyes and his mother grabbed his actual hair and dragged him over to the priest. Harry looked absolutely terrified of what was to come and Louis felt someone pull his arm. He was surprised to see it was Gemma. She pulled him out of the church and the two of them sat down on the bench outside the church. 

"We have to go get him he- I-" Louis said and she just shook her head. 

"They won't hit him in church." She said. So she knew that Louis knew. 

"Do they not realise that he's hurting because of what they put him through? He's- Gemma he told me that he wants to die sometimes. That he likes being on the fucking edge. Knowing he can at least decide that himself!" Louis said. He was crying now. He had Harry hadn't been talking about this for a long time. "He thinks that nobody loves him for who he is." Louis cried. 

"That's not true Louis. He used to think that. Until he met you. I swear on everything, I've never seen him this happy before. It's too bad he's so harsh on himself, if he only didn't believe in this stupid shit." Gemma said. 

"You-You don't believe in god either?" Louis asked surprised. 

"No. Not since Harry came out. It made me realise that it was all fucked up. When I saw how angry our parents I knew immediately that it wasn't true. At least not the way my parents think, and the worst part is that they've convinced Harry that they're right too." Gemma said. 

"Why isn't Harry coming to dinner?" Louis asked, wiping his tears away. 

"Ask him, he's coming here." Gemma said and Harry walked out of the church with a tear strained face. He walked right into Gemma's arms without hesitation. She hugged him tight and Harry cried. 

"I swear I didn't mean it, I'm scared. I don't- I don't want it Gemma. I don't want it." He cried and she tried hushing him. Eventually he calmed down and he pulled away from her, sitting on the bench beside Louis. They didn't say anything.

"Okay I'm driving home now, love you H. Louis, I'll see you at dinner." Gemma said and drove away. Now it was just the two of them.

"You're not coming tonight then?" Louis asked and Harry shrugged. 

"Probably not, mom wont let me." Harry said and Louis swallowed. 

"Why? Is it me?" Louis asked and Harry nodded. He smiled a little. 

"She thinks you'll fall in love with me or something." Harry said looking at Louis. 

"Oh if she only knew." Louis said hooking his pinkie with Harry's. Harry smiled. "Well then, if you're not coming I'm not coming. Maybe we can find a party or summat?" Louis said and Harry smiled. 

"Maybe we will." Harry smiled and the door to the church opened and their family's came out. 

"We'll see you at dinner then Louis." Harry's mother said. 

"Oh but I won't be there, sorry." Louis said. 

"Yes you will." Louis' mom said. 

"No, I wont mom, I promised Niall to have pizza with him tonight. I told you that." Louis said. He hadn't told her that at all. 

"Oh... right I forgot that boo bear." His mother said and he cringed slightly at the name. Harry smiled though. 

"You feeling better now honey?" Harry's mother asked him. 

"Yes mom, I'm sorry." Harry said and raised up. Anne wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. He could see why Harry loved her still. His own mother never really had time for him, because of all the siblings. Don't get him wrong though, he still loved her very much.

Four hours later, Harry's family were on their way to Louis' house. Louis knew that, because Harry had just sent him a text saying "U can come now boo xxx". Harry made his heart ache for real.

"I'll be there in 20:)" 

"U don't have a car?" 

"Haven't even gotten my drivers license yet..."

"Right, well I'll see u in 20 then."

Twenty minutes later Louis was ringing Harry's doorbell. It took a while for Harry to answer the door and when he did, his face was all red. 

"Uhm... thought I had time for a wank..." Harry mumbled and Louis laughed. He looked down Harry's body, he was naked except for the boxers clinging to his hips. 

"Well seems like you found your time anyway." Louis said and Harry blushed. 

"Yeah, yeah whatever, get that ass of yours over here and give me a cuddle." Harry said and Louis walked up to Harry. He wrapped his arms around Harry's warm body and hid his face in Harry's neck. Harry was the best hugger ever probably. His long arms wrapped perfectly around Louis' neck and he always made sure one hand was in Louis' hair. Louis really loved it when Harry played with his hair. 

"You're warm." Louis said when they had stood like that for way too long. But none of them wanted to move. 

"Mmmm just got off that's why." Harry said and Louis smiled for some reason. 

"That's hot." Louis said without thinking. 

"You're hot." Harry said. Louis kissed the side of Harry's neck and Harry moaned.

"You ever made a hickey?" Harry asked.

"Love bite?" Louis asked. 

"Uhu"

"No." Louis said. "Not until now." He said and started licking at Harry's neck. "You never had one Harold?" Louis whispered in his ear. A hot puff of air came out of Harry's nose. "That a no?" Louis asked. Harry nodded. "Huh? Answer Harry, I'm not a mind reader." Louis said. He didn't know why exactly he was giving Harry instructions, but Harry seemed to like it because Louis could feel him grow hard.

"I haven't had a h-hickey. Never Louis." Harry breathed out. 

"You want that then? Huh?" Louis asked. He was quite sure the answer would be yes though. 

"Mmhhmm."

Louis pulled away crossing his arms. Just looking at Harry. 

"Well Harry here can't give proper answers so I guess no then." Louis said. He pretended he didn't see Harry's hand pushing down on his own dick over the boxers. He really liked this whole talking thing, huh?

"No Louis! I want one. I really want one!" Harry moaned. That moan went straight to Louis own groin along with a sudden rush of blood. His jeans became tighter very quickly. He went closer to Harry again

"Easy there, you're making me all riled up." Louis whispered while making his way back to suck on Harry's neck. He pushed Harry out of the hallway and into the kitchen, then he pressed him up against the fridge. Harry hissed. 

"Cold!" Harry whimpered and Louis moved them over to the counter. Harry pushed himself up so he was sitting on top of it while Louis' made small marks all along Harry's neck. Then he moved onto Harry's lips instead, kissing him deeply. His pants were way too tight. He wondered how Harry felt, he wondered if Harry was waiting for Louis to touch him. The thought made his heart jump. He kind of wanted it to happen now, no actually, he really wanted it to happen now. 

He placed one of his hands on Harry's stomach and slowly moved in down while kissing him. He hold his hand still for a moment, he wanted to see if Harry really was okay with it. Then he moved his hand down to palm Harry. 

"That okay?" Louis asked and Harry nodded, his hips bucked against Louis' hand. "You need to say it Harry or else I wont believe you." 

"Yes yes yes yes, that's okay. Much more than okay Louis. M-" Harry stopped in the middle of the sentence when Louis squeezed him lightly. He moaned our quite loud actually. "More Louis." Wow okay. More. More how? Like direct contact? Or not?

"More, yeah?" Louis asked and Harry repeated the word "Yes" A couple of times. "Well... tell me if it's bad and I'll stop, promise?" Louis asked.

"Promise." Harry whispered and Louis made his way into Harry's underwear. Okay. Wow. He wrapped his hand loosely around Harry's dick and Harry moaned out. He tugged a bit while looking at Harry, checking if he was fine. He bucked his hips into Louis' fist. "Faster." Harry mumbled and Louis did what he was told, then, much sooner than had expected, Harry released into Louis' palm, riding out his orgasm. 

"How was that? Be honest." Louis said barely two seconds after Harry had come down from his high. 

"Wait." He mumbled and rested his forehead on Louis' shoulder. What? Was it really that bad? 

"Are you...okay Hazza?" Louis asked patting his back. Harry nodded. "You're not sad?" Louis asked again. He knew he had been a bit sad after their first experience. 

"No no, just a bit hazy 's all." Harry said. 

"Ooh maybe I should..." Louis said letting go of Harry's now softened cock. He didn't realise he was still holding it in a quite steady grip. Harry chuckled. 

"That was fucking amazing Louis. Best I ever had, believe it or not." Harry said suddenly lifting his head from Louis shoulder. 

"Yeah, coz you've had so many, hhm?" Louis teased and Harry hit his chest. 

"Hey, I'll... I can suck you off if you want" Harry said suddenly feeling guilty. "Or yeah I think so, I can try." He filled in. 

"No no, save that, I'm... it's going down anyway..." Louis said and Harry nodded. 

"Okay, you sure?" Harry asked and Louis nodded while smiling. 

Okay wow. They had just done that-like... that's what people their age actually do. Oh god, now they were just like them. Almost. A bit. Not much at all really. No one probably were like them in any way.


	13. 13

When Harry had gotten his underwear on again, he decided to show Louis around the house because when they thought about it, Louis had only ever been there once or twice and those times he had spent in Harry's bedroom. Harry was in the middle of showing Louis the big window in the living room when Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's tummy from behind. Then they walked around like that for the rest of the tour, although it was a bit difficult.

Then they went to Harry's room and sat down on Harry's bed. Quite close. 

"Harry." Louis mumbled.

"Huh?" Harry asked and Louis leaned his head on Harry's shoulder. 

"I'm gay." Louis said and Harry chuckled. 

"Well, no shit." Harry smiled. 

"Hey! I'm trying to come out and stuff." Louis said. 

"Yeah, I know I'm sorry. I'm proud of you. You sure though?" Harry asked. 

"No. Although, if I'm not homosexual I'm definitely Harrysexual. I just really feel like I never want to be with someone else in my whole life...and you're a boy..." Louis said. 

"Did you know how kind you actually are Louis? Every day- actually every time you say something, it feels like my stomach turns upside down." Harry said and Louis blushed. 

"Can I confess something to you?" Louis asked. Harry nodded. "When I kissed you the first time, I didn't know..." Louis said.

"Didn't know what?" Harry asked.

"Like... I didn't know whether I really wanted to do if for me or for you... It also took me a long time figuring that out if I'm honest."

"I know." Harry said. 

"You knew?" Louis asked. 

"Yes. I was just like you when I first started trying to figure myself out." Harry said. 

"That's nice to know. Uhm, and Harry... I just wanted to, I guess, let you know that I... I know now that I-" The phone rang. Niall. Phew. Louis had almost said it. The three words. Way too early. Probably. "Oh...'s Niall." Louis said and picked up the phone. He put on speaker. 

"Oi mate!" Niall practically screamed. 

"Oi oi" Louis said. "You're on speaker so don't talk shit." 

"Oh the pressure." Niall teased. "Anyway, no chance you're with loverboy?" He asked. 

"I'm here." Harry said smiling. Loverboy. Louis liked. 

"Great. So if it's not too much to ask, maybe you could tell me where you found that dealer of yours. Liam, Zayn and I are going to a party tonight. You're invited too of course, but we figured you'd might want to cuddle or summat." Niall said. Harry laughed. Precious. 

"No way, I'm not letting you talk to him Niall. You're a child. I'll get it for ya." Harry said. Child. Huh. Louis was younger. Only a couple of months but anyway. 

"Thanks man, but can you let us come at least?" Niall asked. 

"Sure." 

Thirty minutes later they had all just jumped into Harry's car. Louis and Harry in the front, Zayn, Niall and Liam in the back. 

"Well this is a very gay car indeed." Niall said. 

"Shut your bloody mouth for once will ya?" Louis hissed and Harry laughed. Apparently not bothered. "Are you not bothered by that?" Louis asked.

"It was fun Lou!" Harry smiled. Louis pretended to be mad and made his lip pout. Harry grabbed his face and pecked his lips. It was the first time they had ever purposely kissed in front of someone. Louis felt happy. For some reason he had always thought Harry would be ashamed of kissing him in front of others. 

"You two are so cute!" Zayn said smiling. Louis was so fucking happy when the others agreed. He didn't know why, but he'd thought that they would be super supportive of this thing going on between Harry and Louis.

They drove to the same place Harry and Louis had been to the day when they went skateboarding. Louis missed that day. Probably the best day of his life. Anyway, when they pulled up, Harry kissed Louis' temple and got out of the car to talk to the guy. Niall was quick to follow. Louis looked at them talking to the guy. Niall shook his hand, introducing himself for some reason. They were talking for a while and then the a tension seemed to build up Harry pointed to the car and gave Niall his keys and Niall ran towards the car. 

To Louis' surprise, he sat down in the drivers seat and immediately started driving. 

"What? What about Harry?" Louis asked. What the fuck was happening. "Hello?! What's going on?!" Then as they got out on the big road they were met by a police car that turned left to the parking lot where Harry and the dealer were left. What the actual hell.

"What's going on?!!" Louis asked again.

"The police got some sort of tip that there would be dealing going on here. A friend of the dealer's called him with the information." Niall said. Louis didn't really understand, but he understood enough to know that Harry would be in deep deep shit when he came home that day. 

"WE HAVE TO GET HARRY!" Louis said and tried getting out of the car. He started panicking. "I need to get him, Niall!" He screamed. "I need to fucking get him!!!" He felt tears roll down his cheeks. Fuck. He knew what Harry's parent were going to do with him as soon as they got to know. 

"Calm down Louis, he'll be fine." Niall said. 

"You fucking- No! He'll not be fine! Harry is never fine!" Louis screamed. He was totally out of control of his own thoughts. He needed to get Harry, even though he knew he was already in the backseat of the police car with that fucking dealer. He hadn't even done anything. 

"You need to breathe Louis, calm down!" Zayn said. 

"You don't understand! He's- they're gonna-" Louis said. 

"They're professionals Lou, they're not going to hurt them." Liam said.

"I know but his parents! And he's gonna be so fucking harsh on himself- just FUCK!, get me out of here!" Louis said banging his head against the window. They had no fucking idea what so ever. 

It became quiet after that. Except for Louis' occasional sobs. Niall parked the car in Harry's garage and they got out of the car. 

"You need to run, like right the hell now!" Louis said because he knew that either Harry or his parents would be home any minute now. The other guys started running.

"Tell him I'm sorry!" Niall screamed and disappeared. Louis ran to Harry's backyard and hid in the bush right underneath Harry's window. 

Why the hell would Harry even stay there? Why couldn't he just go with them? Louis knew the answer. Because if there was no buyer there, the car running away from there would be the biggest suspect and they'd all get in trouble. Fucking Harry. Why could't he ever be selfish. 

Louis checked his phone. Four missed calls from and a text saying "Answer your phone, something happened w H. You know anything?" from his mother. Then one more text one simple text from Harry.

"Don't worry about me."


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay real trigger warning for this one!

A car pulled up to the driveway. Blue lights. Police. No. No, no, no. Louis had hoped Harry's parents would arrive before so that they couldn't do anything to Harry when the police was there as well. But now the policemen were going to leave before Harry's parents got home and they could do whatever they wanted to poor Harry. 

"You alright lad? 's nothing to worry about. Just don't buy anything from that guy again, yeah?" One of the guys said. Louis barely heard it, as he was on the other side of the house. 

"Thank you." Harry said. Nothing more. Not an answer to 'You alright lad?'. 

"And also what we talked about in the car. About uni." The other man said. 

University. Next year. Harry was going to fucking university. Louis hadn't even thought of that. Was that why- Yeah. That was why Niall had insisted on coming along to the dealer. So that he could get to know the dealer for the future. The future when Harry wouldn't be around anymore. Fuck, it was so obvious now. Everyone knew Harry was going away. Everyone were prepared for it. Everyone except for Louis. 

He heard the men following Harry into the house and about ten minutes later, they drove away. Louis' legs started to go numb on the cold wind and he had ripped his shirt up on the bush. He waited for them to come home. And after a while, he heard them coming. Harry's window was open, so Louis' could hear him nervously fidgeting and walking back and forth in his room. He was scared, Louis knew it. 

He heard the front door open and close with a loud bang. Harry took a deep breath. 

"Harry!" Harry's mom screamed through the house. "Harry where are you?" 

"Here." He heard Harry's given up voice say. Harry's breathing was shaky and he seemingly stood up from the bed. 

Someone opened the door Harry's room and it went completely quiet. Fuck. Louis' fingers fiddled over his phone screen, clicking on the voice memo app. Fuck, maybe he shouldn't. But he clicked the recording button just as the voices started again. 

"I swear to god mom, I'm so sorry. I know I let you down." Harry pleaded. Louis had never heard Harry's voice that shaky ever before. 

"Harry Edward Styles, don't you know you disappoint me and your mother every single day and now this! What do you have to say in your defense?" Robin said. Harry mumbled something. 

"Speak up Harry!" Robin yelled. 

"Nothing." Harry said louder. "I've got nothing to say." 

"Do you know god despises people like you Harry?" Robin said. 

"Yes." Harry said quietly. 

"Give him a break I swear to-" Gemma said but her mother interrupted her. 

"You have nothing to do with this young lady. Absolutely nothing!"

"And why does god despise boys like you Harry?" Robin asked. 

"My existence disgusts god." Harry said quietly. Fuck. Louis already knew this was a rehearsed line. He already knew Harry had been forced to say these exact words multiple times. 

"Why?" 

"Because I'm sick."

"Why is that wrong?"

"Because I chose it myself." Harry almost whispered. 

Then it came. The first slap. Probably right across his face. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Harry begged. Louis knew he was crying now. His heart felt empty. 

"Why are you sorry then Harry?" Robin asked. "Why are you especially sorry today?"

"Because I did something bad." Harry said. Then he sobbed. 

"Man up Harry! Men doesn't cry!" Robin yelled and hit Harry again. He let out a whimper. 

"I-I can't help it! I can't stop!" Harry cried. "I'm trying. I swear. Please! Mom! Mom I'm trying!"

"Don't talk to your mother like that! Begging her like a little girl. Is that what you are Harry? A little girl?!" Robin yelled and this time it sounded like he punched Harry with his whole fist. 

"N-No! I- I'm not." Harry said and Louis had enough. He was on his way raising up, when he remembered that he was just a tiny little boy, without any muscles what so ever. He would die if he tried to fight Harry's stepdad. "I-I'm a man." Harry said. 

"Who cries when he's getting a little talk from his parents then?" Robin asked and Harry swallowed. 

"I do." Harry sobbed. 

"Who disappoints god every day?"

"I do." 

"Who has purple walls and nail polish in his room?"

"I do." 

"Who is weak enough to let his mind get to him? Who is weak enough to not chance?"

"I am."

"and who is a fag Harry?" This one broke Harry, Louis could hear it. His breath hitched and he cried harder. "WHO IS It?!"

"It's me! It's me for god's sake!" Harry yelled back. 

"That is right Harry. You are. And what does fags deserve?" 

"They deserve to be beaten up." Harry said. Oh no. Poor thing. Little poor thing.

The rest of Louis' recording was mostly Harry crying from the hard hits and punches he received. But it also contained him begging. Begging for everything to stop. Which mostly sounded something like;

"Please stop!" "You're hurting me! Please mom make it stop!" "I'm sorry!" "M-mooom!" "Please!" "Help me! Help me mom! He's killing me! I swear!" "I'm an idiot, I'm stupid, I-I feel sorry for you!" "Mom..." and so on. 

Then just like that, it was over. Robin had left the room and Louis had stopped the recording. But it seemed like Harry's mom was still in there. 

"Mom, don't let him do that again?" Harry made it a quiet question. "He's hurting me." Harry's mother said nothing. "Please mom, I love you." Harry almost whispered. After a long while she finally said something. 

"You really disappointed me today Harold." Then she walked out of the room and Louis could hear Harry collapsing on the bed. He literally broke down, crying harder than ever. That was Louis' cue. He made his way through the window and made eye contact with Harry's crying eyes. He looked so beat up, so broken. 

"Come here baby." Louis whispered quietly as he took the heavily crying Harry into his arms. Harry couldn't get any words out because his breath kept speeding up. 

"Schhh, try to breathe Harry." Louis whispered into Harry's ear. "You're doing so so good for me." Harry calmed down a little little bit just so that he could breathe. 

"Lou-Louis, I-" Harry cried. Louis' shirt was drained with Harry's tears by now. 

"It's okay love. Try to calm down with me." Louis mumbled into Harry's Hair. "You're doing good." 

"T-tha-thank you." Harry said. No. He should never thank anyone ever again, not Harry. Harry deserved the world. 

"Don't say thank you Harry... I... love you. I love you Hazza. I'm here with you because I love you." Louis whispered. He had never been so sure of anything in his entire life. He loved Harry Styles. Maybe it was too early and maybe it was the wrong time to tell Harry. But he truly loved him. "I'm in love with you Harry." Louis repeated. Not because he wanted an answer, but because he wanted to make sure Harry knew he meant it. Because he really did mean it. 

"I- I..." Harry tried. 

"No Harry, not now." Was all Louis said but Harry seemed to understand, because he kept quiet. Only breathing into Louis' chest.


	15. 15

An hour later they were both cuddled up in Harry's bed. Louis' arms were wrapped around Harry from behind and Louis was pretty sure Harry was going to fall asleep any minute now. 

"Why did you come here Lou?" Harry asked.

"You promised you would never leave me behind and I promised to never leave you behind. I'm not one to break promises." Louis whispered into Harry's hair. He heard Harry sigh. 

"Will you stay until I've fallen asleep Louis?" Harry asked with what could only be considered as a baby voice. 

"Of course." Louis said. Then Harry sat up and stripped his clothes off until he was only in his underwear. Then he made his way back into Louis' arms. Louis pulled him closer and placed small kisses all the way up Harry's neck. 

"I'll get hard if you continue." Harry whispered and Louis chuckled and stopped. 

"'m sorry." Louis said. 

"Louis?" Harry said again. 

"Mhm."

"I love you too." Harry whispered. 

"Don't say that." Louis said.

"But I do. I'm not just upset Louis. I really do love you. And... I realised today that... You and Gemma, you're probably the only people in this world that I truly love." Harry said and now Louis was sure he meant it. 

"I heard what your mom told you. I'm sorry." Louis said but Harry didn't answer. "You used to get along better, didn't you?" 

"My mom used to be my best friend. I loved her more than anything." Harry said. Then it went quiet for a while. 

"I realised today that you're going to uni next summer." Louis said. He didn't know where he wanted this conversation to end up.

"Depends really."

"On what?" 

"I've done some shit Lou. I have some markings in my papers at the police... today didn't really make it any better." Harry mumbled. 

"So what are you doing then, after school ends?" Louis asked. Please don't leave me behind, please, please, please. 

"I want to either kill myself or run away." Harry answered. "If you wanted an honest answer." 

"I did. Just...I want... please wait for me? Please Harry? We'll run away together, just you and I." Louis asked. He knew it was stupid. 

"Where am I going to live then? While waiting for you? I'm literally getting out of this house as soon as I can." Harry said, turning around in Louis' arms so that their faces were just an inch apart. Louis felt tears form in his eyes. Fuck. He knew Harry had to go. For his own good.

"I don't know... I just didn't realise it would be so soon- That you'd have to go so-" Then he started crying. He couldn't control it. 

"Hey, hey Lou, I'ts going to be okay. I wont leave you, okay?" Harry said. "I'm waiting for you. I promise." 

An hour later, Harry was sleeping heavily in Louis' arms. He had been asleep for a long time now, but Louis didn't want to go home. He couldn't bring himself to leave Harry here. Not yet.

But then someone opened the door to Harry's room. A silhouette of a woman. She looked at them. Louis' heart was beating hard in his chest, because he knew that she could see it wasn't just one person in Harry's bed. But then she just closed the door again. Louis sighed in relief. It was Gemma, he was sure. It had to be. 

"Don't go in there, he's sleeping." He heard Harry's mom say from the kitchen. What?! His mom? Was it-

"I'll have to go in there anyway, you know that Anne." Robin muttered and Louis widened his eyes. Okay now he HAD to leave. 

He tried getting himself away from Harry without waking him but at the same time doing it faster than ever. He succeed. He heard steps outside of the room and without second thoughts he threw himself out the window. He landed on his back right on a stone. He knew for sure that would leave a scar. But he didn't have time to think about that so he ran. He ran the fasted he had ever done in his life and he didn't stop until he reached his front door. 

He didn't know why he had been running the whole way home, he certainly didn't need to. But it felt great. It felt fucking amazing. Then he realised it, this was the first time he'd ever felt alive without Harry and for some reason that felt like a knife in his heart. 

When he opened the door, he saw his mother in the hallway. She looked at him as if she didn't believe what was in front on her. 

"Mom I-" Louis started but he started crying instead. Fuck. Everything came back to him now. Harry's screams, the hitting, Harry's plan to kill himself, the wound on his back and fucking everything. He cried and he couldn't stop.

"Oh my- Louis my darling-" His mother said and wrapped her arms around him. 

"I- mom I hate them! I hate them! How can-" Louis tried but he couldn't get anything out of mouth. 

"Shhh baby, I know. I know." She said and accidentally rubbed the spot in Louis' back where he had landed on the stone. 

"Ow" He simply said and she made him turn around so she could have a look. Louis sighed and did as he was told. He lifted his shirt up. 

"That is fine, it'll heal in a- LOUIS!" She let out and he got very confused. 

"What mom?" He asked, turning around.

"Was that a tattoo?!" She cried out. Oh no. 

"Oh shi- Uhm... Yes?" He said. 

"What? When? Who?"

"Uhm... honestly?" Louis asked and his mom nodded. "So... I was drunk- Yeah I know, I know. I am not aloud to, I know. It was one time. But yeah then someone had brought a tattoo gun thing and Harry made one on me." Louis said casually. He had stopped crying a while ago. 

"Harry did it?"

"Yes. But don't tell Anne. Besides, I kind of like it..." Louis admitted. 

"What does it even say?" 

"Edward..." Louis said. 

"From twilight?" His mother asked and Louis actually laughed. Then he shook his head no. 

"No, Harry Edward Styles." Louis said and his mom nodded.

"So you are proper mates then? You and Harry?"

"Proper mates, mom." Louis said and she gave his cheek two pats. 

"Well, does he have a William tattoo then?" His mom asked smiling. Louis didn't know why she was so okay with this. 

"No, but I might give him one, who knows?" Louis smiled. 

"Go up to your room and at least pretend you're a bit ashamed, will you?" She asked smiling and he nodded. 

"I love you mom." 

"I love you too Louis, I'm proud of you." She said and Louis felt loved when he walked up the stairs to his room.

When he was finally under the covers of his bed, he grabbed his phone and texted Harry. 

"Good night <3" He knew Harry was already asleep, but he really couldn't help himself.


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried uploading this like eight times and it doesn't work. sad life lol.

Louis sighed.

What? Fucking what?

It was probably like three in the morning and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. 

He looked at the display. Harry. Shit. 

"Harry?"

He didn't answer. Louis could only hear him breathing. 

"Harry... what's happening?" Louis asked. No answer, just a whimper. 

"Harry? Haz where are you?" 

"I love you." Harry cried out. No. No, no, no. 

"I love you too, where are you? What are you doing Harry?" 

"The cliffs, I dunno." 

That was definitely Louis' cue to get the fuck up. He pulled his pajama pants on but didn't bother with the shirt. 

"Hey listen to me Harry, listen. Are you alone?" Louis asked. He was so fucking scared. 

Harry didn't answer. 

"Harry, you need to answer me. Are you alone?" 

By now Louis was out in the grass with his bare feet. 

"Yes. I am." 

"I'm coming to get you, just- Just stay there. Don't leave." Leave. That was the closest Louis could come to say it. 

He could hear Harry crying. 

"I'm so proud of you. Being good, waiting till I'm there yeah?" Louis was running now. 

"Yeah." 

"You're doing so great, you're not leaving me are you?" 

"Hurry." 

Oh fucking lord, Louis had never ever ran that fast in his entire life. His lungs were burning and the cold air was biting his torso as he just kept running. 

"I'm almost there, okay? Almost there Hazza." 

"I can't-"

"Yes! You can, you promised! I'm there I promise!" Louis practically yelled to the phone. He heard Harry falling apart on the other line. 

"I don't want it! Please!" 

And in that moment Louis saw him. He was on his knees not even three feet from the edge of the cliff. He was on his way raising up on his shaky legs. 

Louis ran. Faster. Faster. Faster. Until he caught up to Harry. 

Louis grabbed his hoodie from the back and threw himself and Harry backwards into the wet grass. Harry tried to get away while screaming and crying, but Louis held him. In that moment he never wanted to let go. 

"I don't want it! I don't want to live!" Harry screamed and Louis held him even harder. 

"Yes! Yes you do. Baby. I love you, I love you, I love you!" 

For some reason those words seemed to calm Harry down. But Louis didn't dare to let go. So he just kept holding him and he soon noticed that his eyes were closed. It was as if, if he would open them, Harry would slip away and reality would hit both of them. 

When Harry stopped trying to fight Louis, Louis started crying. Like full in baby-crying. 

"You can't do that! Harry you're the only one I'll ever need. Stop acting like you don't believe that!" Louis cried. 

"...I-..." Harry tried. "I'm sorry." 

"No." Louis sobbed. Then he felt Harry's nose rubbing against his jaw and his lips connected with Louis' neck. Harry kissed up Louis' cheek. 

"...I know." Harry whispered. 

"What?"

"I know you love me." 

"Good."

"I just think you'd be better off without me in the end." 

"You're wrong."

"You and I both know I'm right." That was the worst thing Harry had ever said. Because that was enough confirmation for Louis. Enough confirmation that they were never ever fucking meant to be. 

Louis sighed. 

"Well. It's not the end yet, so stop acting like it is and start acting like you want me." Louis said. 

"I want you." Harry said and kissed Louis' lips. Then he kissed down Louis' jaw again and all the way down his torso. Harry took his time down Louis' chest and Louis could feel himself grow. He grabbed Harry's head and directed in further down. 

"You want it?" Louis asked. His voice deep with arousal. Harry nodded. 

"Yeah you do baby, gonna give back now huh?" Louis had no clue where this side of him came from and whether he liked it or not, but Harry seemed to enjoy it. 

"Yeah, wanna suck you off Lou." Oh shit. Holy shit. 

Harry's fingers hooked under Louis pants and then they were pulled down. Cold air hit him and he felt like he was about to faint. But when Harry licked his way towards Louis' shaft, he actually felt like he was in heaven. In heaven. That was probably the only time he would ever be in heaven. Then out of no where Harry wrapped his lips around Louis' cock and Louis moaned out. He grabbed Harry's hair tighter and pushed his down slightly. What the hell was he doing? 

"Ohgm- sorry love, I- FUCK YES!" Harry did something with his tongue that made Louis see actual stars. 

"Harry, wh-" He did it again. 

"Oh my- shit!" He came. Just like that. It was almost embarrassing. "Oh- my god I'm so sorry Harry!" Louis let out when he realised he had actually- in Harry's- Oh god. "I didn't mean to-" Harry swallowed. 

"Was I the fucking king at that or what?!" Was the first thing Harry said and Louis just looked at him. Then Harry smiled and Louis laughed out loud. Harry laughed too. 

"Why the fuck- Why the fuck would you swallow?!" Louis laughed. 

"Because I'm a good boyfriend, that's why." Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Yes please. 

"Well get you're arse up and drive us to my place then if you're a proper boyfriend." Louis said. 

"Fuck off." 

"I love you." 

"I love you too... and thank you." Harry said.

"Why?"

"For not letting me go." 

"I'll never let you go." Louis said. Harry did not answer.


	17. Chapter 17

Louis sighed.

What? Fucking what?

It was probably like three in the morning and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. 

He looked at the display. Harry. Shit. 

"Harry?"

He didn't answer. Louis could only hear him breathing. 

"Harry... what's happening?" Louis asked. No answer, just a whimper. 

"Harry? Haz where are you?" 

"I love you." Harry cried out. No. No, no, no. 

"I love you too, where are you? What are you doing Harry?" 

"The cliffs, I dunno." 

That was definitely Louis' cue to get the fuck up. He pulled his pajama pants on but didn't bother with the shirt. 

"Hey listen to me Harry, listen. Are you alone?" Louis asked. He was so fucking scared. 

Harry didn't answer. 

"Harry, you need to answer me. Are you alone?" 

By now Louis was out in the grass with his bare feet. 

"Yes. I am." 

"I'm coming to get you, just- Just stay there. Don't leave." Leave. That was the closest Louis could come to say it. 

He could hear Harry crying. 

"I'm so proud of you. Being good, waiting till I'm there yeah?" Louis was running now. 

"Yeah." 

"You're doing so great, you're not leaving me are you?" 

"Hurry." 

Oh fucking lord, Louis had never ever ran that fast in his entire life. His lungs were burning and the cold air was biting his torso as he just kept running. 

"I'm almost there, okay? Almost there Hazza." 

"I can't-"

"Yes! You can, you promised! I'm there I promise!" Louis practically yelled to the phone. He heard Harry falling apart on the other line. 

"I don't want it! Please!" 

And in that moment Louis saw him. He was on his knees not even three feet from the edge of the cliff. He was on his way raising up on his shaky legs. 

Louis ran. Faster. Faster. Faster. Until he caught up to Harry. 

Louis grabbed his hoodie from the back and threw himself and Harry backwards into the wet grass. Harry tried to get away while screaming and crying, but Louis held him. In that moment he never wanted to let go. 

"I don't want it! I don't want to live!" Harry screamed and Louis held him even harder. 

"Yes! Yes you do. Baby. I love you, I love you, I love you!" 

For some reason those words seemed to calm Harry down. But Louis didn't dare to let go. So he just kept holding him and he soon noticed that his eyes were closed. It was as if, if he would open them, Harry would slip away and reality would hit both of them. 

When Harry stopped trying to fight Louis, Louis started crying. Like full in baby-crying. 

"You can't do that! Harry you're the only one I'll ever need. Stop acting like you don't believe that!" Louis cried. 

"...I-..." Harry tried. "I'm sorry." 

"No." Louis sobbed. Then he felt Harry's nose rubbing against his jaw and his lips connected with Louis' neck. Harry kissed up Louis' cheek. 

"...I know." Harry whispered. 

"What?"

"I know you love me." 

"Good."

"I just think you'd be better off without me in the end." 

"You're wrong."

"You and I both know I'm right." That was the worst thing Harry had ever said. Because that was enough confirmation for Louis. Enough confirmation that they were never ever fucking meant to be. 

Louis sighed. 

"Well. It's not the end yet, so stop acting like it is and start acting like you want me." Louis said. 

"I want you." Harry said and kissed Louis' lips. Then he kissed down Louis' jaw again and all the way down his torso. Harry took his time down Louis' chest and Louis could feel himself grow. He grabbed Harry's head and directed in further down. 

"You want it?" Louis asked. His voice deep with arousal. Harry nodded. 

"Yeah you do baby, gonna give back now huh?" Louis had no clue where this side of him came from and whether he liked it or not, but Harry seemed to enjoy it. 

"Yeah, wanna suck you off Lou." Oh shit. Holy shit. 

Harry's fingers hooked under Louis pants and then they were pulled down. Cold air hit him and he felt like he was about to faint. But when Harry licked his way towards Louis' shaft, he actually felt like he was in heaven. In heaven. That was probably the only time he would ever be in heaven. Then out of no where Harry wrapped his lips around Louis' cock and Louis moaned out. He grabbed Harry's hair tighter and pushed his down slightly. What the hell was he doing? 

"Ohgm- sorry love, I- FUCK YES!" Harry did something with his tongue that made Louis see actual stars. 

"Harry, wh-" He did it again. 

"Oh my- shit!" He came. Just like that. It was almost embarrassing. "Oh- my god I'm so sorry Harry!" Louis let out when he realised he had actually- in Harry's- Oh god. "I didn't mean to-" Harry swallowed. 

"Was I the fucking king at that or what?!" Was the first thing Harry said and Louis just looked at him. Then Harry smiled and Louis laughed out loud. Harry laughed too. 

"Why the fuck- Why the fuck would you swallow?!" Louis laughed. 

"Because I'm a good boyfriend, that's why." Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Yes please. 

"Well get you're arse up and drive us to my place then if you're a proper boyfriend." Louis said. 

"Fuck off." 

"I love you." 

"I love you too... and thank you." Harry said.

"Why?"

"For not letting me go." 

"I'll never let you go." Louis said. Harry did not answer.


End file.
